So it’s not an awards show per se, but tonight is the night MTV says goodbye to Total Request Live (or TRL as it’s more popularly known). While the right way to send it off would be to play 1/4 of a video, have some obnoxious kid screaming over it, and feature lots of “whooooooooo!”s, they are sending the show off with a 2 1/2 hour special that’s sure to feature some serious star power. I have selflessly decided to sit through this event with my trusty bag of sour cream and onion Ruffles (Frito-Lay, y’all need to pay up). Worst comes to worse, it should be interesting. I will suspend my Jackson alert for this particular event (ironically, just as some video footage of Michael standing on top of a car (relax, it’s from 2001) pops up on the screen).

8:03: Beyonce opens the show with “If I were a Boy”. Her band is rockin’. Is it me, or should B make a rock record? By the way, I am now sorry I missed “SNL” last night simply by virtue of this skit:

8:06: And like clockwork, Beyonce jumps into “Single Ladies”. Is it me, or hasn’t B made this song about 10 times before?

8:08: Wow, they just put the cameltoe of one of Beyonce’s dancers on display. I have been blinded.

8:09: “Crazy in Love”! Is Jay in the building? His voice is, but the man himself is nowhere to be found. Come on, what else could Jay-Z have to do right now?

8:10: And your hosts are Damien Fahey and Carson Daly. Is it me, or does Carson look more like Dick Clark with each passing year? He also looks like a skeleton. A very heavily made-up skeleton.

8:13: They’re counting down the 10 videos that were most important “to pop culture and TRL” over the past decade. Some random white chick is screaming over the “Hey Ya” video. Ah…just like old times. Damn, has it really been five years since this song came out?

8:15: You know who the hot British chick kinda reminds me of? DOWNTOWN JULIE BROWN. WUBBA WUBBA!! Taylor Swift is tracking people down to sign the “TRL Yearbook”. Yeah, put the girl to work.

8:17: Awww…it’s a Backstreet Boys flashback! Memba them?

Carson says he lost 2/3 of his hearing during that BSB visit. I guess that went to the same place as 2/3 of his body mass. Commercial break! Time for a video!!

8:22: It’s Miley Cyrus. How long till she gets pregnant or flashes her hooey to the paparazzi?

8:23: They’re doing an interview with Travis Barker. All jokes are off for the time being.

8:25: It’s “What’s My Age Again?” at #9. What’s that they say about the whole being more than the sum of it’s parts? Anyone hear that Angels and Airwaves record? YIKES.

8:26: Sean Puffy Puff Diddy Daddy Combs has been on “TRL” 37 times. For this appearance, however, he decided to steal one of Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”-era pleather jackets.

8:28: Diddy is pretending to cry. Will Smith shouldn’t be shaking in his boots or anything.

8:35: Ben Stiller is cracking a joke referencing the Michael Jackson Artist of the Millennium faux pas from, what, seven years ago? Um…late much?

8:38: Vanessa Minnillo has taken a break from boinking Nick Lachey to join 1/4 Carson…and now it’s LaLa, who’s taken a break from boinking Carmelo Anthony to interview Ludacris.

8:39: The #8 video is “Yeah!” by Usher. Hey, whatever happened to Lil’ Jon?

8:40: Holy momma. Jesse Camp is still alive!! You can actually understand what he’s saying!! I wonder who got him off the crack.

8:43: It’s Christina Aguilera, who has thankfully lost her black-cent and sounds like a normal girl again. Actually, she sounds like Madonna. I guess a British accent is up next for her.

8:48: We’ve gone almost an hour without a performance. Less talkin’, more sangin’!!!

8:50: “Crazy in Love” is #7…is this the Beyonce show or what?

8:52: Quddus!! Where’d they dig him up from?

8:55: Finally another performance, from the Pete Wentz-less Fall Out Boy. Wentz is at home prepping for babydaddyhood, so it’s up to a specs-less Patrick Stump to hold down the fort.

8:56: Listen to Patrick Stump’s voice, then look at his face. The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away.

Photo by Joel Telling.

9:04: True confession. I have barely ever watched “TRL”. So I have no clue who half these VJs are.

9:07: It’s Justin Timberlake and JC Chasez!! The fans are like “who’s that dude with Justin and why is he doing all the talking?”

9:10: Lance, Joey and Chris are sitting at home going “How come they didn’t call us?”

9:11: Jonathan Davis of Korn is being interviewed. Folks with receding hairlines should not have long hair.

9:13: Davis is releasing a solo album. Approximately 10 people care.

9:18: Kid Rock is talking to 1/4 Carson. And he appears to be somewhat inebriated. Surprise…and guess what? He has the #6 video with “Bawitdaba”.

9:23: John Norris is older than everyone on stage put together.

9:26: Back to Kid Rock for a sec. Isn’t he one of those guys you really wanna hate but wind up liking anyway?

9:31: Miley is back in the photo booth. How much you wanna bet she pulls her top up when the cameras go away?

9:34: Diddy is plugging his new fragrance and the new “Notorious” movie, while they show a montage of the many, many things he’s plugged on “TRL” over the years.

9:35: If it was really “Total Request Live”, they wouldn’t have been able to bleep Ludacris out like they just did…two…three…four times.

9:37: “TRL” nicely allowed Nelly to take a moment to perform. After the song is over, he’ll resume looking for his career.

9:39: Snoop comes out singing “Drop it Like it’s Hot”. White folks are going crazy.

Speaking of you lovely white folks, have you seen this website yet? Hilarious.

9:42: Ludacris has just plugged his album for the third time in the past seven minutes. I still ain’t buyin’ it.

They’ve just played two commercials for great things I’d like to plug: the Vampire Weekend CD and “Role Models”, the funniest movie I’ve seen this year.

9:51: OMIGODLMAOROFLWTFIT’S HILARY DUFF!!! By the way, Julie, if you’re reading this, has anyone ever said you looked like her?

9:52: Christina is back via satellite! Hey, did they forget the countdown they were running?

9:54: Never mind. The “Dirrty” video is #5. I almost miss the trampy ho version of Christina. But not quite.

9:58: “Bye Bye Bye” is #4. Justin has ditched JC, who has joined Nelly in the search for their respective careers.

10:02: Fall Out Boy are talking to Quddus, with Pete Wentz on the phone. Does anyone know who the other two guys in FOB are?

10:04: Quddus is now plugging his own video. Hasn’t he learned from previous hosts? Didn’t Jesse Camp release a record?

10:09: Samuel L. Jackson (??) is introducing the Backstreet Boys (who are #3). Again, why is Samuel L. Jackson introducing BSB??

10:11: You think Nick Carter ever thinks about Justin Timberlake and thinks “Fucker. That could have been me”?

10:12: Nine years and I’m still trying to figure out what “it” is and why they want it that way. Holy Shit. It’s been almost 10 years since that song was a hit.

10:21: Awwwww, this thing is going to run over. Leave it to MTV. They can’t end anything on time, can they? Well maybe if they didn’t take half-hour long commercial breaks…

10:23: Eminem is on the phone. What, he couldn’t make it??

10:24: Carson called Eminem “Marshall” and Kid Rock “Bobby”. I betcha if he calls Snoop “Calvin”, he catches a bad one.

10:25: Em pushed his wig back to February…what’ll come out first? Jay-Z’s “Blueprint 3″, ‘Detox” or the Eminem album? (“The Real Slim Shady” is #2)

10:28: Here’s Fiddy, who also got bumped into next year. Something tells me he’ll soon be joining Nelly, JC and the BSB in the TRL has-been Hall of Fame.

10:30: I wonder if Lloyd Banks and Tony Yayo wipe Fiddy’s ass for him.

10:31: I’m officially bored. I might be out of jokes too.

10:33: 1/4 Carson does not call Fiddy “Curtis”.

10:39: It’s the Madden twins from Good Charlotte. I’ll withhold the joke about them looking for their careers.

10:41: It’s Mr. Timberlake once again. Someone needs to give this guy his own show.

10:43: He introduces his new protegee, Esmee, who sounds…completely anonymous.

10:44: He also teases us with a preview of the new Rihanna video “Rehab”, which he wrote and produced. Actually, after “Umbrella”, it’s probably the best song on the album.

10:49: This show would have been half as long if not for the commercials.

10:51: The top iconic video…taking a guess…Britney. I am correctamundo!!!

10:53: I’m too tired to watch 1/4 Carson and Damien say their goodbyes. The show wasn’t bad, then again, I wasn’t expecting much. Goodbye show I never really watched to begin with!!