If I was Don Cornelius, I’d be really mad at the BET folks. In 2001, the cable network introduced it’s own show that essentially took the Soul Train Music Awards out of business. The shows themselves have been a mixed bag. There have been a couple of major moments-Michael Jackson & James Brown dancing together, Jay-Z & Beyonce tearing up “Crazy in Love”, a Destiny’s Child mutual lap-dance extravaganza on “Cater 2 U”. However, there have been just as many forgettable performances from (name untalented rapping one-hit wonder here). This year’s show promises to be a typical mixed bag. On the plus side, performances from Usher and Kanye West, and a Lifetime Achievement Award to Al Green. On the bad side? Lil’ Wayne. And I’m sure there’ll be a T-Pain performance somewhere. Keep your eye here, as we’ll be updating every half hour or so.

8:03: Usher starts off the show with a flashy performance of “Love in This Club”. He’s lip-synching. He’s also trying to set the record for most sexual positions simulated during one musical performance. This is not a good start.

8:07: MC Lyte is announcing the performer and presenter lineup. Nice to see her getting work, but remember when she was rapping harder than most of the females *and* dudes out there?

8:09: DL Hughley is NOT funny.

8:10: Terence Howard is out presenting an award and he has a guitar in his hands. This does not look good. He plays about as well as Esteban.

8:14: After a typically cheesy dialogue between Terence and Jennifer Hudson (who could smother a man my size in her mountainous cleavage), they present the Best Male R&B Artist award to Chris Brown, who is rocking a combo of a flat top and a Mohawk. What would the baby of Mr. T and “Don’t Be Cruel”-era Bobby Brown look like? Well, there’s your answer.

8:15: I find it somewhat funny that the Justin Timberlake Pepsi commercial has already aired twice during this ceremony when JT himself has been banned from BET after Nipplegate got his partner in crime Janet Jackson banned from MTV.

8:19: Young Jeezy is performing. Time for a snack break while I ponder the fact that I, too, could have had a successful music career had I only sold crack when I was younger.

8:22: Kanye West pops up to perform with Jeezy. I love the guy, but this is not a good look for him. He’s also rocking the auto-tune. It’s the first time I’ve ever heard anyone use it in live performance.

8:23: Kevin Hart (has he been in anything but “Soul Plane”?) and Mel B. are presenting the next award. Believe me when I tell you that this is the closest a Spice Girl has ever gotten to BET. Kobe wins Best Male Athlete…Shaq shows up to accept on Kobe’s behalf. PSYCH!!!!!! I wonder if Kobe will actually tell us what Shaq-Fu’s ass tastes like.

8:26: I may regret saying this, but I watched, and enjoyed “Soul Plane”, by the way. Just sayin’.

8:29: While we’re on the topic of stupid movies, a commercial for “Meet Dave” just came on. Can we officially say that Eddie Murphy is now just in it for the money? What happened to this dude?

8:34: Keyshia Cole comes out to sing “Heaven Sent”, which is a very pretty song. Someone should have turned her mic off, though. Memo to Keyshia: Mary J. eventually learned to sing on key, sis.

8:36: Damn, Michael Jackson’s titties got big!! Oh wait, that’s Li’l Kim.

Lil' Kim At Video Music  Awards Show

8:39: Missy Elliott wins the Best Female Rapper award. And this category exists because…

8:42: Damn, MJ got dark again and lost the titties. Oh, wait. That’s Ne-Yo, who apparently decided to combine Usher’s earlier performance with MJ’s performance of “Dangerous” back on the 1993 AMAs.

8:43: OK, you’ve gotta admit. Ne-Yo’s mug shot is FUNNY!!

Ne-Yo's Mug Shot

8:49: Ashanti and LL Cool J present the Best New Artist award to The-Dream. You know how thin the talent pool is when *this* dude wins this category (over Chrisette Michele and Estelle?? Seriously? Well,at least Soulja Boy didn’t win). LL spouts some motivational mumbo-jumbo and then heads backstage, probably to make more shitty records. After hearing yet another track from his upcoming “Exit 13”, I think I might pass on an LL record for the first time in my entire life.

8:56: Alicia Keys and her fine ass is singing “Teenage Love Affair”. Looks like she stole Janet’s wig from the “Pleasure Principle” video, though.

8:58: Alicia starts to sing SWV’s “Weak”, and that can only mean one thing…yup, out comes SWV, looking pretty much the same as they did back in ’93…only with about 25 extra pounds EACH. Damn girls.

9:00: Alicia says “it ain’t over yet” and out comes En Vogue, singing “Hold On”…with Dawn Robinson, who’s still fine as hell…for a second, I’m momentarily heterosexual. I’d be the meat in a Dawn and Alicia sandwich.

9:01: It still ain’t over yet. Out come T-Boz and Chilli, singing “Waterfalls”. They look good, but the song just ain’t the same without Lisa. Her rap made that song.

9:05: Niecy Nash from “Reno 911” does an actually funny skit about adopting white children and presents the Best Male Rap Artist to Kanye West, who brings Lil’ Wayne on stage with him. I’m actually stunned that Weezy didn’t win the award. Kanye keeps it civil and apparently resisted his typical urge to jump on stage after winning an award and say something obnoxious.

9:12: T-Pain is performing against a circus backdrop. Somehow seems appropriate. Something tells me we’re going to get a medley of “…” featuring T-Pain, which means this performance is gonna take 45 minutes.

9:13: First off is Flo-Rida. Seriously, bro. Who lip-syncs a rap?!!?

9:14: Next up, Rick Ross, who should really button his shirt up.

9:15: Wow, Ne-Yo is in the audience without his hat. His hairline is seated three rows behind him.

9:16: Here comes DJ Khaled. I don’t think this gets any worse. Now Outkast’s Big Boi is out. Why do actually talented emcees align themselves with the worst rappers in history? As if to prove my point, Ludacris comes out behind Big Boi.

9:21: Derek Luke and Gabrielle Union’s Fine Ass present the Video of the Year award to a deserving UGK & OutKast for “International Player’s Anthem”. A deserving honor and Bun B delivers an eloquent, moving speech.

9:30: Marvin Sapp is shrieking performing gospel. No disrespect, but I think I’m gonna put a frozen pizza in the Microwave now. Thank you, Jesus, for my microwaveable frozen pizza. 10 bucks says that the gospel award goes to Kirk Franklin anyway.

9:35: Mary Mary and Lisa Lisa are presenting an award. You know BET’s producers put that together just to be cute. Looks like Lisa Lisa ate Cult Jam AND Full Force. Them boobies are still in the same proportion as the rest of her, though…

Lisa Lisa & The Cult Jam

9:38: Marvin Sapp won! Damn, guess I owe someone 10 bucks.

9:44: As part of the ongoing Michael Jackson tribute portion of the show, Chris Brown is performing “With You” while dressed in a black tux complete with white bow tie.

Chris Brown as Michael Jackson

9:46: Ciara gets on stage and does a very sexy bump and grind with Chris. The only two things I can think of are: a) Rihanna would kick that ass if she could jump high enough to hit Ciara and b) “she looka like a man!!”

9:50: The award for Best Collaboration is being announced, and T-Pain is nominated four times. Of course he wins, along with Kanye for “Good Life”. Can Kanye please say something ignorant and liven this show up a little?

9:52: Oh, he didn’t disappoint. After calling T-Pain God reincarnate, he says he’s “one of the kings in this game right now”. Sigh. Sometimes I understand why people don’t like him. Thankfully, his music’s good enough to forgive his assholery.

9:53: Why can’t I find any NBA Draft updates online??

9:58: John Legend is introucing Al Green. This should be good.

10:02: This is what soul music sounds like, boys and girls…

10:03: Jilly from Philly (Jill Scott for those of you who are soul-deficient) gets off to a shaky start but winds up doing a good job on “I’m Still in Love with You”. Lord forgive me for saying this, but is Jill starting to morph into Della Reese??

10:06: Thank God for Anthony Hamilton. If I was Usher, I’d be mad at myself that I sell more records than this dude. However, Mr. Hamilton, the iridescent butt-huggers?? Not a good look!

10:07: Oh shit! Teena Marie sighting in the audience!! What up Lady T????

10:08: DOUBLE O SHIT!!!!!!! Maxwell, who has hid under a rock for the past seven years, is out and singing “Simply Beautiful”. And he is Tearing. That. Shit. Up. This performance alone made it worth the previous 125 or so minutes of mediocrity.

10:12: Al, if you don’t perform, I’m gonna be mad.

10:13: He fakes us out! He’s singing!!

10:17: Reverend Al just turned the entire audience into his church.

10:22: WOOOOHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Thank you, Rev. After seeing that performance, if I owned a T-Pain record, I’d throw it away.

10:27: OK, true confession. I owned the last T-Pain album. But I got it for free!!

10:28: Here come Terrence and Rocsi. Why is Terrence rocking tight leather pants? And the dude they have presenting with them could challenge Ne-Yo for the Forehead of the Year award.

10:30: Well, you knew Lil’ Wayne was gonna win something. “Lollipop” wins the Viewers’ Choice award, and Weezy brings the entire population of New Orleans (and Kanye West) on stage with him.

10:32: PLEASE can they get a new host next year?

10:33: Rihanna has stepped her vocalist game up. However, “Take a Bow” is such a boring-ass song. Oop. There goes the boyfriend reaction shot. If Chris is as limber as his dance moves suggest, I’m sure he pops Rihanna’s back out of alignment on occasion.

10:36: They must have piped in that applause, because the audience looks to be asleep.

10:37: Let’s see, humanitarian award for Quincy Jones, plus performances by Nelly and Lil’ Wayne? Unless Mike comes out to present Q with an award, I could feasibly turn the TV off now and not feel as though I missed a thing.

10:42: Mike ain’t comin’ out. BET CEO Debra Lee is coming out to talk about Quincy. She better watch out. The only person whose acceptance speeches are longer than Q’s is Stevie Wonder.

10:46: Queen La is out to introduce Q. Latifah looks sexy as hell and I love the fact that the camera is cutting out her wife, who happens to be sitting right next to her.

10:50: Q kept it short, but did more than his share of stumbling. Well, at least they didn’t play him out like they played out Sinatra at the Grammys.

10:55: Ashanti steps out to introduce her boyfriend-but-not Nelly. He’s performing with Jermaine Dupri and some dudes dunking basketballs on trampolines. The song’s called “Stepped on My J’s”. How many songs about sneakers is this dude gonna make??

10:57: Ciara still looka like a man!!!

10:58: Fergie’s come out now to perform “Party People” with Nelly. Have you guys seen the most recent picture of her?

This is my horse

11:00: The show’s running over. Here comes Puff Daddy along with Lauren London’s Fine Ass.

11:01: OK, Diddy is using this opportunity to promote his vodka. Enough already…

11:03: Y’all know it ain’t an award show unless Alicia Keys wins an award.

11:05: And with that, I sign off. I’ve got no desire to see Lil’ Wayne even if it will lead to more jokes.Good night, y’all!!!