The American Music Awards are the “fun” awards. They’re the show that honors the boy bands and the less critically-acclaimed artists. Why? Because the fans vote, and that’s why Milli Vanilli (or at least the one who’s still alive) and C&C Music Factory have shelves filled with AMAs, while U2 has like2 or 3 of ’em. This show has a lengthy performance lineup. It’ll be interesting to see if they can actually squeeze some award giving into this show. It’ll be even more interesting if someone does a face plant like one of the Jonas Brothers did last year.

8:00: Christina Aguilera opens the show. She’s singing live, unlike her lame VMA performance. She’s also pale as a sheet. Get thee to a tanning salon, Christina.

8:02: “Sometimes I’m a super bitch!” They would’ve bleeped that back in the day on the AMAs…anyone remember when Slash and Duff dropped F bombs on live TV?

8:03: Xtina has gone from “Beautiful” to “Keeps Getting Better” to “Genie in a Bottle” to “Dirrty”. Apparently she’s gonna perform her entire Greatest Hits album.

Hey, where’s Redman? He couldn’t have possibly had anything else to do.

8:07: Two brothers up front ain’t even clapping. Come on, fellas, give Christina some dap.

8:08: Jimmy Kimmel is hosting, which I’m cool with as long as he doesn’t bring out his lame-ass girlfriend. He immediately drags out a Jay-Z/Beyonce joke, a Clay Aiken joke, and a Kanye-throwing-a-tantrum joke.

8:10: Dave Archuleta is in the crowd. His dad is next to him. Belt and switch not shown.

8:12: Jamie Foxx is presenting the award for Favorite Soul/R&B female. He cracks a circa-1999 independent women joke and then plugs his own album. Yawn. Nominees are Alicia Keys, Mary J. and Rihanna. My money is on A. Keys.

8:13: Ri-Ri wins, and she’s wearing a tablecloth. Whassup with that Rihanna?

8:15: NKOTB are on, and they’re getting the biggest screams of the night…20 years later!

8:18: The New Kids bust out with the crotch grab. 20 years ago, that would have been a national outrage if anyone other than Michael Jackson had done that.

Hey, I had to work an MJ reference in there somewhere.

8:23: Incongruous pairing of the night: Paris Hilton and T-Pain. They’re presenting Favorite Pop Male. Nominees are Chris Brown, Kid Rock and Usher. I say the Kid takes this one.

8:25: Chris Breezy wins this one. My prognosticating skills aren’t on point this year. I’ve still got time to change my luck.

8:26: Scott Weiland is HIIIIIIIIIIIIGH….soooooo HIIIIIIIIGGGHHHHHHHH!!! He’s introducing Pink, performing “Sober”. Irony much?

8:27: Pink is wearing a ball gown. She cleans up pretty good! Have I mentioned that I’m madly in love with Pink?

Have I also mentioned that I have seen every act that’s performed at this show so far live in concert? Yes, I’m bragging.

8:34: David Cook is presenting Taylor Swift. I’ve actually never heard this chick sing before. Could be interesting. Especially if she walks down and bitch slaps the Jonas kid who broke up with her in 27 seconds. I wonder if David is mad that Donnie Wahlberg stole his hairstyle.

8:35: Her performance set looks like the lobby of the hotel I stayed in 2 weeks ago in Portland, ME. Does the AMA show have furnishings by Marriott?

Taylor is very clearly looking at someone in the audience. Wonder who it is??? Wait, is she sobbing? Damn you, Jonas!!!

8:38: Lance Bass is presenting the Award for country group: Brooks & Dunn, Rascal Flatts and SugarLand are the nominees. I go with SugarLand and this is going way too fast for me to make a Lance Bass joke, damn it.

8:39: Rascal Flatts wins the award. The fat dude from Rascal Flatts kinda looks like Lance, if he ate Justin, JC, Joey and Chris.

8:41: Ne-Yo pops up with a tux and a horn section. He’s taking this Rat Pack thing and running with it, no?

Ne-Yo gets the second standing O of the night, although I’d have given the claps to the dancing chick who stretched her leg behind her head. Wait, that didn’t come out right.

8:48: Wait. Didn’t Jimmy Kimmel used to be funny?

8:49: Nickelback is presenting the Best Rap Album award. The three guys not Chad Kroeger are very happy to have face time. Jay-Z, Kanye and Lil’ Wayne are nominated. I go with Kanye. I was right!!!

Have I mentioned that I FUCKING LOVE KANYE??? That was an excellent speech. Shut everybody the hell up, Kanye.

8:52: Jesse McCartney (no relation to the Beatle) introduces Leona Lewis. I guess in this case, calling her “beige” has multiple meanings, eh?

Shes pretty boring, but she’s performing from what looks like the old “Solid Gold” set. Looks like she dug up the Solid Gold dancers, too!

8:55: This performance isn’t exactly gonna differentiate her from Mariah Carey. Just saying.

9:01: The de-mulleted and soul patched Billy Ray Cyrus, introducing Miley on her 16th birthday. 2 more years and he can start legally whoring her out.

9:02: All jokes aside, Miley’s singing live, and she’s not so bad. More than I can say for Britney, who I’ve seen sing live…never.

I’m almost ashamed to say…I enjoyed that.

9:04: Some random chick and David Archuleta are presenting Favorite Country Male: Garth Brooks, Brad Paisley and Kenny Chesney. Paisley’s in the audience, I say he wins. Ding! Got it right again.

Either random chick is REALLY tall or Archuleta is like 3 foot 9.

Have I mentioned Brad Paisley is smokin’ hot? He can play the fuck out of his guitar too.

9:06: Miley Cyrus is blowing…out the candles on her birthday cake.

9:11: Why is Chris Martin performing with a 25-year old Magnavox TV next to him?

9:12: Confetti pours from the ceiling-always a crowd pleaser. Doesn’t take away from the fact that Chris is not only in very poor voice but he’s prancing around like a wanna-be Bono.

Wait a second…

9:15: Richie Sambora and Colbie Caillat are presenting Favorite Pop/Rock Album. Nominees are Alicia Keys, Coldplay and The Eagles. My money’s on The Eagles. Holy shit, A. Keys wins it. I’m wondering who’s gonna clean up all that confetti. Like clockwork, some guy with a broom sneaks out of the shadows.

9:17: Alicia, what’s up with the bindi? Also, don’t act surprised. The long-standing rumor has been that the AMAs notify winners in advance so they’ll show up at the ceremony.

9:23: After a fairly funny skit with Kimmel, RZA and Raekwon, Terrence Howard comes out to introduce Mariah Carey and give her a special award. Did we have to remind anyone that Terrence put a record out? Jamie Foxx he ain’t.

9:24: Why are Mariah and Nick suddenly reminding me of Whitney and Bobby? Up next, Nick is gonna make a reality show and talk about how he pulled a doody bubble out of Mariah’s ass and Mariah’s gonna go “THAT’S LOVE! BLACK LOVE!!!”

9:27: This is like watching paint dry. Is Mariah done singing yet? Whoa. She brings back some ancient Mariah screamin’ and hollerin’ to at least make the end interesting.

9:28: Nick Lachey and Elliott from “Scrubs” are introducing the accountants and presenting the award for Favorite Country Female. Nominees are Reba McEntire, Taylor Swift and Carrie Underwood. I go with Carrie on this one. Nope, I’m changing my pick to Taylor Swift. Right on time, too! She wins!

All the confetti has yet to be cleaned up from Coldplay’s performance.

9:31: Here’s Daughtry presenting the award for Favorite Pop/Rock Female. The other 4 guys in Daughtry are grateful to hahve some face time. Mariah, Alicia and Rihanna are nominated. I go with Ri-Ri again…and I’m correct. See, after a slow start, I’ve figured it all out.

9:38: I was totally not paying attention, but this chick is introducing The Fray, whom I love love love.

What’s up with all the rock guys in poor voice tonight? At least Isaac Slade is cute. Chris Martin? Meh.

9:42: Big Girl Jordin Sparks and mole-less Enrique are announcing Favorite Rap Male: Weezy, Yeezy and…Flo-Rida?? Kanye should win again. And he does.

He gets a standing O. I’m down with that. And he gives his award to Lil’ Wayne. Selfless Kanye? Say it ain’t so.

9:44: Ashley Tisdale is presenting Best New Artist. Nominees are Colbie Caillat, Flo_Rida, Jonas Brothers (who are gonna win), Paramore and The-Dream. The Jonases win. More beigeness ensues.

9:47: The-Dream cracks a jook about wanting to strangle the Jonas Brothers (I don’t blame ya, bro) and introduces Beyonce, who’s performing “Single Ladies”.

Someone gave that girl a lot of chicken and pancakes when she was growing up. God damn. Someone gave a double helping to that sista dancing with her, though. Now that’s some ass. Jonny Ice would definitely appreciate that one.

9:50: Beyonce asks the single ladies to put their hands up. Queen Latifah, you lie! I bet your wife ain’t gonna give you none when you get home.

Some white lady in the audience is trying to dance like Beyonce. Lawd lawd lawd. She gon’ break something.

Beyonce gets a standing O. Any woman who can do that deserves more than a standing O.

9:56: Akon and Julianne Hough are presenting Favorite R&B Album. Akon is plugging his album. Class. Alicia, Mariah and Mary J. are nominated. Alicia will win this…and she does. Damn, I’m good. Akon plugs his album again. Sigh.

9:57: Alicia breaks out with the Flavor Flav “WOOOOOOOOOOOWWWW”.

9:58: Demi Lovato comes out to introduce The Jonas Brothers. Face-plant, face-plant!!

OK, it was more like a knee-plant. Whatever, shit was still funny.

10:02: The Pussycat Dolls are now performing. Guess what I learned a little earlier? I learned how to pronounce Scherzinger!!!

Speaking of Nicole, why is she wearing the boots from Michael’s “Rock with You” video? Two hours in and only two Michael Jackson references. I’m getting better!

10:05: Are they saying “boobies” or “groupies”?

10:12: It’s Justin Timberlake, y’all! And I was just singing “It’s Gonna Be Me” to myself!!

10:15: Annie Lennox is receiving the Award of Merit. Best female blue-eyed soul singer of all time.

…and “Why” is one of the best songs of the Nineties. Justin was right. Watch and learn.

10:19: Annie just took everyone to school. Amazing. Standing O very well deserved.

10:28: The personality-free Natasha Bedingfield is performing. I guess it’s time to take a piss.

10:29: Wait, is she singing “Unwritten”? How OLD is that song?

10:31: There is STILL confetti on the ground.

10:32: Rihanna comes out to sing “Rehab” and I swear she looks more like Prince than ever before. Complete with studded eyepatch.

10:34: Someone OD’ed on the smoke machine. Maybe they’re using it to cover up the confetti.

10:39: Motley Crue presents Favorite Pop Group: Nominees are Coldplay, Daughtry and The Eagles. I say Daughtry wins this one.

10:40: Mick Mars looks better than Scott Weiland. That’s sayin’ something.

As predicted, Daughtry wins. Chris, thanks for showing me a bald guy can rock the thick chops.

10:42: Is Kanye lip-synching? No, but he’s got a Daniel Boone coonskin thing hanging out o his jeans. Is that the new style or something?

10:44: You know, I hate to say it, but Kanye’s not a terrible singer.

10:46: Kanye is followed by…Sarah McLachlan? Now, THAT’s incongruous. Sarah is singing the 10-year old “Angel”. Why, exactly?

10:47: Pink is singing with her. This is a nice touch. I would listen to Pink sing the bloody phone book.

10:53: Steven Tyler and Joe Perry are presenting Artist of the Year. Alicia Keys, Chris Brown, Coldplay, The Eagles and Lil’ Wayne are nominated. I can’t call this one. Chris Breezy wins in a shocker! Teenage girls must’ve killed the voting. Do Chris and Rihanna have the same ugly neck tat?

10:56: Alicia Keys is closing out the show with “Superwoman” with two “special guests”. The mind wanders…

…can Alicia do ANY awards show performance without special guests?

10:57: I think it’s time for Latifah to make another rap record.

10:58: Kathleen Battle. Wow.

I’ve got to give this show props. Just about every genre of music has been represented and the performances were tight as hell. The Grammys have to step their game up next year. We are signing off. Seacrest out! (sorry GG)