Last night was a pitiful show for the top four contestants. Jamie Foxx was dying to give away his ARTIST shirts, but they all looked like CONTESTANTS, except for Crystal Bowersox. I know, I know, the duets were good, but those don’t really count. They don’t even get graded on those.

And what’s with Simon telling Crystal that she’s back in the running? Hasn’t she been the wire-to-wire leader all season long?

Do you remember that old Sesame Street song that went, “One of these things is not like the other?” Someone needs to sing that song to Casey James. Talk about overstaying your welcome.

My favorite American Idol winner ever, Fantasia is on stage singing Bittersweet. They shouldn’t have let her on the stage. She sings with more emotion in her fake eyelashes than any current season 9 contestant sings with in their entire body.

It’s time to dim the lights. Ryno has the parents sitting to his left and the contestants on center stage.

In the “Somebody Up There Likes Me” category, Casey James is in the top three. I feel so badly for Big Mike. In no universe is Casey James a better singer than Mike, and he’s going further in the competition. Well, Daughtry was kicked out several years ago this week too.

Speaking of Daughtry (how’d you like that segue?), they’re on stage now performing September. I think this performance is foreshadowing for Big Mike’s exit after this show is over.

Daughtry has the worst goatee I’ve ever seen in my life. He’s bald and has his beard growing from where his sideburns would be all the way to the other side of his face. Then, he has the normal goatee running over and on the side of his lips, but it’s not as thick. He must’ve been bored and figured that he’s so famous now, he can wear his facial hair in any ridiculous manner and people would think it’s a fashion statement.

Back to dimming the lights, Lee is safe. I’m telling you, Big Mike is a big goner.

Bon Jovi is on stage and if I ever have to feather my hair like that to look cool, someone just please shoot me. That’s not to say dude’s not cool, because he’s one of the few guys going today who can feather his hair and get away with it, but if I were him, I’d go Daughtry style and shave it all off. Be a maverick Jon!

Lee tried to explain why it’s good to be safe and bad to not be safe and he almost swallowed his own face by talking so fast.

And the person who is in the top three is Crystal Bowersox. My man, Big Mike is going home and he’s going to have to leave right now.

But they told me
A man should be faithful
And walk when not able
And fight till the end
But I’m only human