Paula Abdul

It’s time to see who is the season 9 winner of American Idol. However, it will take us over two hours to get here. Fox usually packs the finale show with performances, goofy skits, and video packages. Tonight, I have heard they’ll also give Simon Cowell a mighty send off. I just hope that they bring back Paula Abdul to help send him off.

Tonight, let’s do the recap diary style.

8:02 – It’s been 24 hours since last night’s performances and Lee still looks nervous.

8:03 – Ryno Seacrest introduces the judges and Randall Jackson is wearing a suit that would make a pimp blush.

8:06 – Alice Cooper performs School’s Out For Summer with the Top 12, and Siobhan (aka creepy little girl) stole his creepy thunder with her creepiness.

(By the way Idol, way to understand your demographics with that one. Who’s next tonight, Ozzy Osbourne?)

8:13 – Kris Allen is singing some new song and I’m still giving anyone 2-1 odds who doesn’t think he’s getting divorced soon. He has that look in his eyes that says he’s on the hunt for new meat.

8:16 – We get our first Simon Cowell video package, which is a complete waste of time. But at least I got to see Paula.

8:18 – Creepy little girl and Aaron Kelly are singing How Deep Is Your Love. She looks like she wants to eat him.

8:19 – The beautiful Bee Gees came out to join them. Barry had to sing his lines to creepy girl, while poor Robin had to sing his to Aaron. That was awkward.

8:26 – Big Mike Lynche and Michael McDonald are dueting Taking It To The Streets. If Taylor Hicks comes out right now doing his jig, I will smile largely.

(By the way, Alice Cooper, the brothers Gibb, and Michael McDonald have been the celebrity performers so far, and McDonald is the youngest at a ripe age of 58. American Idol, on the cutting edge!)

8:31 – Let’s take a moment of silence for Dane Cook’s career. Bow, there it is.

8:34 – The top 6 girls came out to perform Christina Aguilera’s Beautiful. Lacy Brown led the way and all of America tried to remember if she was on the show or not.

8:37 – Christina herself came out to sing and she’s still number one on my list of those who I’d request to sing me lullabies before I sleep. Rosie O’Donnell is last on that list by the way.

(The roaming camera reached around to Christina’s backside, and I have to say that for a skinny girl, she’s got some junk in the trunk.)

8:47 – The top 6 boys are singing Hall & Oates tunes, which leads me to think…

8:49 – …that of course, Hall & Oates are coming out. I wonder if they’ll get Scott Savol to get on stage and sing She’s Gone? You think Scott’s persona non grata with Idol? All he did was beat his girlfriend. Come on people, where’s your forgiveness!

(By the way, I might be the only Idol blog to mention Scott Savol’s name. I’ll do you one better. How about Corey Clark?

8:51 – Darryl Hall looks like he hasn’t bathed in the year 2010.

8:52 – Janelle Wheeler who was my favorite Idol contestant to look at, and who also dated Tim Tebow is hanging out with Crystal’s fans in Toledo, Ohio. But she’s not wearing those terrific pants that I love.

This Girl Can Wear Some Pants

8:53 – Crystal is out singing Ironic. Wait, does that mean Alanis Morrisette is coming out?

8:54 – Of course it does! I think she’s making fun of Joey from Full House or something.

9:01 – Carrie Underwood is performing. Do you remember what I said about Christina Aguilera being such a skinny girl and having junk in the trunk? Well, as far as having junk in the trunk, it’s the same for Carrie, only the opposite. She has one of the more famous cases of noassatall.

9:08 – Casey James is out singing and Bret Michaels comes out. Wait, isn’t Bret Michaels sick? I have a feeling those guys are going carousing tonight.

9:18 – Lee DeWyze and Chicago perform, and right after, Ryan throws it to Matt Rogers, the former football player who was on Idol many years ago. Rogers looks about 45 years old with a receding hair line. I don’t want to remember my Idols this way. Go away Matt, just go away.

9:21 – General Larry Platt and a bunch of extras from the movie Step Up performed Pants On The Ground. Then William Hung joined the fray and let’s just say that he doesn’t speak English any better than you remember. I would be lying if I didn’t say that I enjoyed this better than Lee DeWyze and Chicago.

9:29 – Yay! It’s Paula Abdul on stage!

9:34 – Boo! Paula’s gone.

9:35 – Kelly Clarkson, Ruben Studdard, and Fantasia Barrino all came out to sing with Simon. Ten bucks says that Taylor Hicks didn’t get invited.

9:36 – Damnit! I owe you ten bucks.

9:37 – Holy jeez! All the terrible ghosts of American Idol contestants past came out to sing for Simon. Mikalah Gordon done growed up. Constantine just winked at me!

9:38 – Mysteriously absent was David Cook. And for that matter, Jennifer Hudson. Wait, she hates Simon.

9:44 – The top 12 is out singing Janet Jackson’s Again. Wait, does that mean…

9:45 – Of course it does! Miss Janet Jackson is on stage sans her weave. Her hair is amazingly short.

9:49 – And the junk in the trunk award goes to, Janet Jackson. Holy cow. She’s now performing Nasty. And you know who choreographed that video.

9:52 – I think Randall Jackson is in love.

9:54 – Please answer this for me once and for all. Is the gap in Crystal’s teeth near the side of her mouth charming or a hot mess?

10:01 – Ryno’s going to tease us about the results for about five minutes here.

10:02 – Ok, I lied. He’s getting right to it. And Lee is terrified.

10:03 – And the winner is… (aw man) Lee DeWyze!

10:04 – Crystal isn’t a sore loser at all, but you have to think that she knows she was robbed heartily.

10:05 – I just realized that Lee’s average cover of Beautiful Day is going to top the iTunes charts next week.

10:06 – I also just realized that this show may be entirely different next year. Good night everyone.

Paula Abdul photo shared via Wikipedia through the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported license