Just the other day, while riding in the car with my husband, I was reminded of just how many icky songs there are out there…

You’d think in this day and age, as Miley Cyrus twerks with Robin Thicke and shows us her tongue, people would have a rather high “ick” tolerance. And maybe they do. I can’t speak for everyone, especially as I’ve become middle-aged and decidedly uncool. Actually, I don’t think I was cool even when I was a young lass, but that’s beside the point. What I’m thinking about today is icky songs from the 80s. There were a lot of them back in the day.

I started thinking about icky songs while listening to my iPod. A song from 1983 started playing. It was Kenny Rogers, back when he was still more or less “flavor of the month” and he was singing a song called “Scarlet Fever”. You’d think this was a ditty about a devastating communicable disease, but actually it’s about an underaged exotic dancer named Scarlet. Kenny sings the part of a horny middle aged man who went to the club where she was performing. There he was, lusting after a woman who looked 25, but he was told that she was just 16. The lyrics suggest that the guy just watches and appreciates her dance moves, but I think we know what he did when he went home.

In 1983, this song was okay… but today, people would probably be scratching their heads and saying, “Eeeew.”

After listening to this happy go lucky song about a middle aged man lusting over a teenager, I started thinking of other icky songs. One that popped into my head was Nick Gilder’s 1979 hit, “Hot Child In The City”. This was a one hit wonder about a guy who notices a hot young thing, loose and alone on the streets. I loved this song when I was a little kid, but now it kind of makes me cringe a little. It still has a great rock beat, but it’s basically a song about a mysterious girl who makes grown men lust after her.

Keep your mind out of the gutter, you perverts!

Sheena Easton had a hit song in 1984 called “Sugar Walls”. I always thought this song was kind of nasty. It was written by Prince during his nasty years and supposedly refers to the walls of Sheena’s vagina.

This is a far cry from “Morning Train”, isn’t it?

Benny Mardones had a hit with his song, “Into The Night”, which originally hit the charts in 1980, but made a comeback in 1989. I don’t know why this song became popular again since, to me, it sounds very much like a hit from 1980. But people apparently loved it, despite the lyrics about a guy lusting after a sixteen year old.

It should be noted, Benny Mardones was 33 years old when this song originally charted. That doesn’t mean he was chasing teenagers, but still… eeew!

The Police had a famous song in 1981 about a teacher tempted by a teenager… It’s one of their best songs in my humble opinion. Granted, The Police aren’t the ones chasing the young girl, though Sting was a teacher at one time. Perhaps this song was inspired by those days he spent in the classroom. In 1986, it was remade into an equally creepy slower version. For awhile, I liked the 1986 version better, but then I wised up.

Lots of raw testosterone in this video…

The Police had another creepy but awesome song in their 1983 hit, “Every Breath You Take”. That song was presumably about a woman who was fully grown, but the subject of a man’s relentless obsession.

This song never gets old.

In contrast to The Police and their brand of raw maleness, we have George Michael’s cool, obsessive, and slightly creepy number from 1987, “Father Figure”. I always liked this song, even though it’s definitely kind of icky.

This video is high on estrogen… and rich with supermodels… George Michael was very much into sex in the 80s.

And finally, there’s Madonna’s “Open Your Heart”. On the surface, this song doesn’t seem that icky… It’s the video that kind of skeeves me out. A young boy watches as Madonna gyrates and spins tassels on her boobs. Then, at the end of the video, they seem to strike up a playful friendship.

Compared to “Sugar Walls”, maybe this is pretty tame… Still, I wonder how people would react if Madonna were an exotic male dancer and a young girl was in the role of the voyeur.

Despite the ickiness of some of these songs, I like all of them. I guess that makes me a pervert.