Chelsea Handler

We’re live! Ok, well, I’m kind of lying. I’m blogging this while watching the West Coast MTV feed, so it’s really the earliest I can watch this show. But those of you on the East Coast have already seen it. So you can either watch with me, or reminisce with me, whichever you prefer.

Refresh every 15 minutes or so as I’ll be updating the blog as much as possible.

I don’t know Chelsea Handler’s work well, but she has a little bit of buzz because of her talk show on E! and I guess that’s what happens when you get some buzz. You host the VMAs.

– An Eminem performance to start the show? You sure are not very predictable MTV.

– What I find hilarious about Not Afraid is that baseball players and fighters everywhere use it as their batter walk-up/entrance music. Don’t know they it’s about an addict who is trying to make a comeback? Or are they saying they’re former addicts?

– I wonder if MTV knows that Recovery is a terribly overrated album?

– I swear, if Chris Brown shows up on stage with Rihanna for Love The Way You Lie, I’m never watching MTV again.

– Ok, he didn’t make it on stage. Thank the lord.

– So far, Chelsea’s monologue consists of making fun of Taylor Swift, black rappers, Justin Bieber, and The Jersey Shore. In other words, it’s pretty lame.

– At least one thing that Ellen DeGeneres got out of being a judge on American Idol is that she’s a presenter on the VMAs. I’m not sure that was a step forward in her career. Did Oprah ever do the VMAs?

– Lady Gaga won the first award for Bad Romance and she walked up on stage wearing a peacock hair-do, looking eerily similar to Ellen DeGeneres’ faux hawk.

– Is it bad of me that I’m rooting for Paramore to win the best rock video all because of my girl Hayley Williams? Damn, they lost. 30 Seconds To Mars won.

– Kim Kardashian just introduced Justin Bieber. Too bad her boyfriend Miles Austin is sad that his Dallas Cowboys lost on Sunday Night Football. Ok, it’s not that bad that they lost. In fact, that made me kind of happy.

– Justin Bieber is lip-syncing the hell out of Baby. He’s pulling a Joey McIntyre on us since his voice is probably changing on him these days. It’s about time.

– He segued into Somebody To Love and I was just waiting for Usher to try and steal his swag. I also find it cute that whenever Bieber’s done with his performance, he ends with a drum solo just to show that he knows a little bit of music.

– Don’t you just hate it when people use the word “myself” when they’re supposed to use the word “me”? I’m looking at you Trey Songz.

– Remember when I jokingly said that I was waiting for Usher to steal Justin’s swag? Guess who’s performing next? I’ll give you a clue. His name starts with a U.

– My man can still dance his tail off. He definitely owes a lot to MJ for the way he moves, but at least it’s not a complete jack like Chris Brown.

– If Nicki Minaj doesn’t make it in rap music, she has a career in modeling for Apple Bottom jeans. Holy cow, you could see it from the front. She might as well change her name to Nicki Badonkadonk.

– Florence Henderson is in a new group called Florence Henderson + The Machine? Isn’t she too old? What? It’s just Florence + The Machine? My bad.

– Lady Gaga just won Best Pop Video and is wearing an outfit that reminds me of Missy Elliot’s rubber ball suit. She won for this video:

– Taylor Swift is singing a song that might be inspired by the Kanye West fiasco from last year that I still believe to this day was party rehearsed. She should’ve gone the Justin Bieber route and lip-synced. She must be going through puberty too. Or else, her voice just isn’t very good.

– Mary J. Blige is making my ears happy after Taylor Swift made them so sad.

– And the Best Hip Hop Video goes too… B.o.B.! Woohoo! Ok, you knew Eminem really won.

– Take J-WOWW’s boobs and Nicki Minaj’s rear end and you have a pretty cool comic book character.

– Bruno Mars is on stage lookin’ like a Filipino Richie Valens with his hair all blown out. Finally. All it took was a red-headed white girl who can’t dance with a big voice and B.o.B. to join each other on stage to put together a performance that I really liked. You go Haley.

– First Selena Gomez and now Victoria Justice? Disney Channel is making it hard for 14-year old boys I tell you.

– Justin Bieber finally won an award and if you just started watching, you’d know it was his first. He couldn’t find his way to the stage and nearly went the wrong way after receiving it. Come on, he’s going through puberty! Cut him some slack.

– Cher is on this show, damn near naked in 2010.

– Gaga says the name of her new album is called Born This Way. Well, that sure is going to help dismiss those rumors that she has a pilly packer.

– Kanye’s performing a song with a hook that goes, “Let’s have a toast for the douche bags, let’s have a toast for the assholes, let’s have a toast for the scum bags, everyone of them that I know.”

– He also did some live beat mixing on stage. He was definitely the most intriguing performer of the night. I think he was even on pitch more than Taylor was. Check out the audio of the song below. Good night!

Photo of Chelsea Handler shared through the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 2.5 Generic license.

Update: Found Kanye’s performance. Here’s hoping it stays up.

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