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Tag: Fergie

  • 2009 American Music Awards Play By Play – West Coast Edition

    Since I’m on the West Coast, we’ll pretend this show is just starting.

    (By the way, Money Mike posted his own East Coast version up. It’s East Coast vs. West Coast all over again.)

    I remember as a kid when I used to count down the time until the AMAs were about to start. Now? Not so much. They don’t make award shows like they used to, but hopefully we’ll get some fun performances.

    I expect lots of Jay-Z love, lots of Michael Jackson love, lots of Taylor Swift love, and the opposite of lots of love for Kanye West.

    Like Arsenio used to say, “Let’s get busy!”

    Janet Jackson
    Janet Jackson
    – The show started with Janet already in mid-performance. She’s going through the old hits, though not wearing the old wardrobe. She’s wearing a brown outfit that makes her look like a baggy Pocahontas.

    – Who seated Mary J. Blige next to Carrie Underwood? I bet they could talk about old boyfriends.

    MJ: Girl, you think Tony Romo was bad? Man, I wanted to break K-Ci’s knee caps.
    CU: You dated KC from the Sunshine Band?
    MJ: Um, no. K-Ci from Jodeci. Forget it.

    – The only problem with Janet going through her old hits is that it just makes anything she’s done in the last 5 years look so bad in comparison.

    – Paula Abdul is the first presenter. No, she didn’t make any Ellen DeGeneres looks, acts, and sounds like a boy jokes, though you know she wanted to.

    – The Black Eyed Peas won the first award which was for favorite group in the pop/rock category. At least this time, Fergie’s face didn’t break the HD tuner on my TV like it did last week.

    (I DVRd Saturday Night Live last week and watched it after the fact. The picture was perfect until Fergie started to sing. The picture became pixelated and then was suddenly fixed when the performance was over. Coincidence? I think not.)

    – The only thing I can really say about Shakira’s performance is, “Oh my damn.”

    – Even though that long dress made her hips and legs look like a pair of parentheses ( ), Kelly Clarkson sung the hell out of We Were Never Meant To Say Goodbye.

    – Alex Rodriguez just introduced Jay-Z and Alicia Keys. I bet he and Timberland and Dr. Dre could talk PEDs for days.

    – Nope, not sick of Empire State Of Mind yet.

    – Kate Hudson is wearing a dress that shows off her 14-year old boyish chest. She could get away with going shirtless and I don’t think anyone would flip.

    – Oh man, I hope my TV can take it. The Black Eyed Peas are back on stage. Fergie Ferg ’bout to break my TV again.

    – Thankfully, my TV was fine. The performance was actually fine too. And she didn’t piss herself on stage, which is always a plus.

    – Your boy Michael Jackson won the award for favorite male artist in the Soul/R&B and you know who accepted it for him. If you answered greasy Jermaine, you were right. Also, you got to see his son Jermajesty, which was a treat in that of itself. I was almost sure that child didn’t really exist. But he did!

    – I know nothing about the Zack Brown band. But what I learned today is that some of those dudes have some manly beards.

    – Beyonce won an award and then it was announced that she wasn’t there. My heart rate has never been so up and down in a five second period ever in my life.

    – Hat makers thank Ne-Yo for keeping them in business.

    – Rihanna has the same haircut that David Silver rocked in the first season of Beverly Hills, 90210.

    – Carrie Underwood looks good and sounds good, but needs to stay off the salad. Yes, you can be too thin. She and Kate Hudson are trying to out-skinny each other.

    – Lady GaGa was carrying something in both of her back pockets, but she doesn’t have any pockets. Hmmm.

    – That Lady GaGa performance was just, um, it was just, um, hmm. If I tried to describe it, you wouldn’t understand and I’d just give myself nightmares. This is why YouTube was invented.

    – Not sure about you, but I can really do without these Perez Hilton audience shots.

    – Some country group called Gloriana just beat Lady GaGa for the Breakthrough Award. I think I saw GaGa walk off in a huff and fly away in her spaceship.

    – Ok, I think they edited this show for us on the West Coast. There’s supposed to be a part during J-Lo’s performance and she falls while performing. All I saw is that she jumped, all of a sudden it went into slow motion, and then jump cut city. Again, why YouTube was created.

    – You go Whitty. Do your thing. Somewhere, Bobby Brown gently weeps while shaving those lines into the side of his head.

    – I’m not sure Whitney did this on purpose or not, but she screamed, “I love YOU,” like Michael Jackson used to do it where you emphasize the “you”. I think that was a shout out to Mike.

    – Taylor just won award number two and she’s not even there. I think that if you don’t attend the show and you’re not in jail like TI, or you didn’t pass away before it was given out, you have to automatically give it to Kanye.

    – And just as I say that, MJ won for favorite male artist in Pop/Rock. Greasy is back on the scene to accept the award, but this time, sans Jermajesty.

    – Lady GaGa was breaking fake glass on her piano that was on fire. Alicia Keys just did her one better by playing her piano in mid air while it was spinning. Supposely GaGa saw that from her space ship and just went into hyper speed.

    – It’s pretty telling that Eminem decided to do his verse from Drake’s Forever since nearly everything on his album was garbage.

    – Timbo is now on stage and the back of his neck looks like a pack of hot dogs. But I’m not mad because he just let Nelly Furtado join him and she’s still looking foine.

    – There’s been a Toni Braxton sighting. Good to see her back and I hope she’s healthy. Jimmy Jackson and Jason Kidd just remembered why they hate each other.

    – My main man Ryan Seacrest is out to give out the Artist Of The Year.

    Let me run down the candidates quickly:

    Eminem – Relapse may be the worst album of the year.
    Michael Jackson – Dude sold more records dead than anyone alive is selling this year, except probably Taylor Swift. Also took all the buzz away from the Beatles re-releases.
    Kings Of Leon – My friend Christal had to show me their video the other day. I’d never seen it before. Enough said.
    Lady GaGa – She’s too far ahead of her time. Like by maybe 500 years.
    Taylor Swift – I don’t have a Taylor Swift song in my music library, but she was pretty fun on Saturday Night Live.

    And Taylor Swift beats MJ. Ok, maybe she wasn’t that fun on Saturday Night Live. And she talks like Drew Barrymore.

    – Adam Lambert is closing the show. However, I don’t think he’s closing it out Mariano Rivera style.

    – I wonder if I can get my hair as high as Adam’s. That might be a 2010 goal for me.

    – Wait, is Adam Lambert gay?


    Photo of Janet from Wikipedia and shared through creative commons

  • Fergie Ferg Is The Latest To Buy Into The NFL’s Dolphins

    Miami Dolphins owner Stephen Ross is making headlines, and not necessarily based on what the Dolphins are doing this year. Ross has been successful at bringing in celebrity minority investors, with the latest being Black Eyed Peas’ star Stacy Ferguson, aka Fergie.

    Ross has been able to secure other music heavyweights like Marc Anthony and Gloria Estefan (with husband Emilio) as minority owners. He also has a partnership with Jimmy Buffet, who can’t become an actual investor because of his stakes in the casino business, which is against the rules of the NFL. Tennis superstars Venus and Serena Williams have also bought in.

    You may wonder why Ross is turning to celebrities to invest into his team. Well, it’s not really about the money. He’s been quoted as saying that It’s more about the excitement in the community that it creates. Not every team can turn to Gloria Estefan and ask her to do a halftime show. Maybe the old band can become the Miami Dolphins Sound Machine?

    Expect Fergie Ferg to be doing halftime shows and National Anthems soon enough. But the buck will stop if will.i.am. decides that he wants to run the Wildcat.

  • American Idol Season 8 Finale – And The Winner Is…

    I’m going to be live blogging this show for SonicClash tonight. I know you East Coasters have already seen the show. You’ll just have to pretend you’re watching it again if you want to following with me.

    Just refresh every five minutes or so.

    Randy is wearing a red bow tie.

    They just showed Kris’ wife in the audience and she has that, “I hope he loses so I don’t have to take half from him in three years,” look on her face.

    Mikalah Gordon drew the short straw and had to go to Arkansas to watch the show with Kris’ hometown fan.

    Carly was able to hang out in her hometown of San Diego to sit with Adam’s hometown fans.

    The top 13 performed some wacky song together and Jasmine Murray nearly puked on stage from struggling to try and hit her high note. Whose idea was it for her to get a solo? Michael Sarver did some good eating while he was away.

    David Cook is singing Permanent. His brother recently passed away. It was a nice performance and they’re putting it on iTunes and giving proceeds to charity.

    They just showed Carrie Underwood’s skeleton in the crowd.

    The Golden Idol Awards are back. I know I was looking forward to this part of the show.

    Nick Mitchell won for Best Male Performance and to give us a treat, he performed And I’m Telling You I’m Not Going.

    Lil’ Rounds and Queen Latifah are performing together. I hope it’s U.N.I.T.Y. You have to give it to the Queen. She can rap, act a bit, and sing a little bit. It’s too bad that she doesn’t quite wear a unitard all that well. Latifah’s had it up to here.

    Anoop Doggy Dog and Alexis Grace are singing with Jason Mraz and showing exactly why they got kicked off the show. Way to show us that America wasn’t wrong.

    Kris Allen is singing with Keith Urban. Michael Sarver has to be kicking himself. This is probably a dream of his. I think I just saw him shrug his shoulders and go back to the catering table.

    The girls (Jasmine, Megan, Allison, Alexis, Lil) are doing Fergie’s Glamorous, which was just in introduction to the real Fergie performing Big Girls Don’t Cry.

    Boom, Boom, Pow
    Boom, Boom, Pow
    Both of my kids asked me why Fergie was so ugly. If anyone wondered if they were my kids, you need not worry. They are definitely made of my DNA. By the way, I agree. Fergie’s entire face looks like it was injected with poisonous botox. Her body is 3008, but her face is definitely 2000 and late. Boom, boom, pow.

    No matter what you say about The Black Eyed Peas, you have to give them credit for this one. This song absolutely makes zero sense, but it hits like no one’s business.

    Yay! It’s time for another Golden Idol. I’m not sure what the category was, but Bikini Girl is the winner. Boom, boom, pow.

    They had her perform Vision Of Love for all of about 10 seconds before my wife, Kara DioGuardi Gonzales came out and one upped her. And then she flashed her own bikini. Boom, boom, pow.

    Allison is singing Time After Time with Cyndi Lauper. Isn’t Cyndi old enough to be her grandmother? But I have mad respect for Cyndi. She’s realer than a two dollar bill. She’s got that boom, boom, pow. Ok, that’s enough.

    Danny is singing Hello. Lionel Richie must have an album out. What would’ve been really wrong is if they tried to duplicate the video and had Scott McIntyre mold Danny’s face out of clay. Ok, that was so terrible. If I was Arsenio Hall, I’d have slapped my hand and said, “bad host”.

    There’s Lionel. I knew he had something to sell. I don’t blame Danny for not really knowing the lyrics to Just Go either. Lionel barely knew them. They could’ve given him some classic Lionel to sing, like you know, All Night Long. Hey, that’s just what they did. And Scott McIntyre is on the stage with them dancing his ass off! Ok, that last thing didn’t happen. But everything else did.

    By the way, Lionel was pretty outrageous.

    Adam is wearing some contraption on his shoulders that looks like something out of Michael Jackson’s closet. Or Janet’s. Or Latoya’s. He introduced KISS. Man, even their face paint looks old. I didn’t know face paint could have wrinkles.

    Carlos Santana is on stage and Matt Giraud is singing with him. They started with Black Magic Woman and segued into Smooth. The rest of the top 13 came out and sang for Carlos. Yep, even Jorge. They let him back on stage, but I think he was wearing a media credential around his neck.

    For some reason, Steve Martin is on stage. I think I heard somewhere that he has a band. He’s playing the banjo. Michael Sarver pulled himself away from catering to get on stage with Megan Joy and perform with Steve. Can he still be wild and crazy while playing a banjo and wearing glasses?

    That performance was reminiscent of those Grammy performances where they basically tell you to go use the restroom so you don’t miss the good stuff.

    Oh no, I might have to switch from HD back to regular definition. Rod Stewart just pranced on the stage. Thankfully, the camera director is avoiding the close-ups and sticking to the wider shots. I’m not even going to pretend that I understand this. I’d even settle for Fergie coming back out to frighten my children.

    Rod ended by saying, “Thank you kindly.” Sheesh.

    The infamous Tatiana won which I think is the last (hopefully) Golden Idol and then she came on stage to sing Whitney. I think it was supposed to be a joke. Or maybe the joke was on her?

    Kris and Adam came out to sing We Are The Champions with Queen. I could make that whole joke about Adam being the next Freddie Mercury, but I won’t even do it. It’d rather make more jokes about how Fergie’s face looks like it was stung by 10 mosquitoes.

    You know, as my punishment for these jokes, one day, I know I’m going to run into Fergie at the airport and then have to lie to her about how much I like her music. Let’s just hope she’s wearing sun glasses on that day. Large ones. That cover her face entirely. Like she was Darth Vader.

    Simon just gave Adam and Kris both props.

    It’s now time for the results. They’re claiming 100 million votes were cast last night. That means every person who watched had to vote at least 3 or 4 times. I’m not sure I buy that, but oh well.

    And the winner is…

    Um, Kris Allen?

    Does Conway, Arkansas really have that many people?

    Kris has to sing the terrible No Boundaries, which he absolutely screwed up last night, again. He gave the front row of females his hand to touch and they nearly pulled his jacket off. He’s going to have to start making deals with that poor wife of his starting tonight.

    You’ll never guess what was one of the last shots before the show went off stage. It was a shot of Justin Guarini clapping like he really meant it, with debris in his hair. That’s your final shot? Did Carrie Underwood’s skeleton leave already?

    Well, he was the underdog. He pulled it off. Kris Allen is your season 8 American Idol.

    Until next year, Seacrest out! Boom, boom, pow.

    Photo of Fergie by paddynapper and shared via creative commons