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Tag: American Idol Season 9

  • American Idol Season 9 – And The Winner Is…

    Paula Abdul
    It’s time to see who is the season 9 winner of American Idol. However, it will take us over two hours to get here. Fox usually packs the finale show with performances, goofy skits, and video packages. Tonight, I have heard they’ll also give Simon Cowell a mighty send off. I just hope that they bring back Paula Abdul to help send him off.

    Tonight, let’s do the recap diary style.

    8:02 – It’s been 24 hours since last night’s performances and Lee still looks nervous.

    8:03 – Ryno Seacrest introduces the judges and Randall Jackson is wearing a suit that would make a pimp blush.

    8:06 – Alice Cooper performs School’s Out For Summer with the Top 12, and Siobhan (aka creepy little girl) stole his creepy thunder with her creepiness.

    (By the way Idol, way to understand your demographics with that one. Who’s next tonight, Ozzy Osbourne?)

    8:13 – Kris Allen is singing some new song and I’m still giving anyone 2-1 odds who doesn’t think he’s getting divorced soon. He has that look in his eyes that says he’s on the hunt for new meat.

    8:16 – We get our first Simon Cowell video package, which is a complete waste of time. But at least I got to see Paula.

    8:18 – Creepy little girl and Aaron Kelly are singing How Deep Is Your Love. She looks like she wants to eat him.

    8:19 – The beautiful Bee Gees came out to join them. Barry had to sing his lines to creepy girl, while poor Robin had to sing his to Aaron. That was awkward.

    8:26 – Big Mike Lynche and Michael McDonald are dueting Taking It To The Streets. If Taylor Hicks comes out right now doing his jig, I will smile largely.

    (By the way, Alice Cooper, the brothers Gibb, and Michael McDonald have been the celebrity performers so far, and McDonald is the youngest at a ripe age of 58. American Idol, on the cutting edge!)

    8:31 – Let’s take a moment of silence for Dane Cook’s career. Bow, there it is.

    8:34 – The top 6 girls came out to perform Christina Aguilera’s Beautiful. Lacy Brown led the way and all of America tried to remember if she was on the show or not.

    8:37 – Christina herself came out to sing and she’s still number one on my list of those who I’d request to sing me lullabies before I sleep. Rosie O’Donnell is last on that list by the way.

    (The roaming camera reached around to Christina’s backside, and I have to say that for a skinny girl, she’s got some junk in the trunk.)

    8:47 – The top 6 boys are singing Hall & Oates tunes, which leads me to think…

    8:49 – …that of course, Hall & Oates are coming out. I wonder if they’ll get Scott Savol to get on stage and sing She’s Gone? You think Scott’s persona non grata with Idol? All he did was beat his girlfriend. Come on people, where’s your forgiveness!

    (By the way, I might be the only Idol blog to mention Scott Savol’s name. I’ll do you one better. How about Corey Clark?

    8:51 – Darryl Hall looks like he hasn’t bathed in the year 2010.

    8:52 – Janelle Wheeler who was my favorite Idol contestant to look at, and who also dated Tim Tebow is hanging out with Crystal’s fans in Toledo, Ohio. But she’s not wearing those terrific pants that I love.

    This Girl Can Wear Some Pants

    8:53 – Crystal is out singing Ironic. Wait, does that mean Alanis Morrisette is coming out?

    8:54 – Of course it does! I think she’s making fun of Joey from Full House or something.

    9:01 – Carrie Underwood is performing. Do you remember what I said about Christina Aguilera being such a skinny girl and having junk in the trunk? Well, as far as having junk in the trunk, it’s the same for Carrie, only the opposite. She has one of the more famous cases of noassatall.

    9:08 – Casey James is out singing and Bret Michaels comes out. Wait, isn’t Bret Michaels sick? I have a feeling those guys are going carousing tonight.

    9:18 – Lee DeWyze and Chicago perform, and right after, Ryan throws it to Matt Rogers, the former football player who was on Idol many years ago. Rogers looks about 45 years old with a receding hair line. I don’t want to remember my Idols this way. Go away Matt, just go away.

    9:21 – General Larry Platt and a bunch of extras from the movie Step Up performed Pants On The Ground. Then William Hung joined the fray and let’s just say that he doesn’t speak English any better than you remember. I would be lying if I didn’t say that I enjoyed this better than Lee DeWyze and Chicago.

    9:29 – Yay! It’s Paula Abdul on stage!

    9:34 – Boo! Paula’s gone.

    9:35 – Kelly Clarkson, Ruben Studdard, and Fantasia Barrino all came out to sing with Simon. Ten bucks says that Taylor Hicks didn’t get invited.

    9:36 – Damnit! I owe you ten bucks.

    9:37 – Holy jeez! All the terrible ghosts of American Idol contestants past came out to sing for Simon. Mikalah Gordon done growed up. Constantine just winked at me!

    9:38 – Mysteriously absent was David Cook. And for that matter, Jennifer Hudson. Wait, she hates Simon.

    9:44 – The top 12 is out singing Janet Jackson’s Again. Wait, does that mean…

    9:45 – Of course it does! Miss Janet Jackson is on stage sans her weave. Her hair is amazingly short.

    9:49 – And the junk in the trunk award goes to, Janet Jackson. Holy cow. She’s now performing Nasty. And you know who choreographed that video.

    9:52 – I think Randall Jackson is in love.

    9:54 – Please answer this for me once and for all. Is the gap in Crystal’s teeth near the side of her mouth charming or a hot mess?

    10:01 – Ryno’s going to tease us about the results for about five minutes here.

    10:02 – Ok, I lied. He’s getting right to it. And Lee is terrified.

    10:03 – And the winner is… (aw man) Lee DeWyze!

    10:04 – Crystal isn’t a sore loser at all, but you have to think that she knows she was robbed heartily.

    10:05 – I just realized that Lee’s average cover of Beautiful Day is going to top the iTunes charts next week.

    10:06 – I also just realized that this show may be entirely different next year. Good night everyone.

    Paula Abdul photo shared via Wikipedia through the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported license

  • American Idol Season 9 – Who Makes The Top 5?

    We’re not necessarily down to the nitty gritty just yet, but we’re close. With just six competitors left, we’re halfway home.

    You could say that last night’s show was the most competitive one thus far, though I disagreed with a lot of the love the judges were throwing out last night. How about next year, you can’t hide behind the guitar and just play?

    George, the big kahuna of this website had a pretty good idea for next year.

    He said:

    My real hope for this show is that next year, you get to play a guitar ONCE if you make the top 12 and you get to play a piano/keyboard ONCE. That’s twice you get to play an instrument.

    I like that idea. This way, Casey James and Lee DeWyze don’t get to be boring behind their guitar and get major love from the judges. It’s a singing competition yes, but if your winner has zero personality and charisma, or in DeWyze’s case, looks like he’s going to pee his pants whenever Ryan talks to him, how can you sell any of his or her records?

    Rascal Flatts is on stage performing Unstoppable. Even though I wouldn’t necessarily call myself a fan, I’ve always liked them from afar. They’ve always seemed more pop than actual country to me, but that might be simply because I’m not a big country music connoisseur.

    Cameron Diaz and the man who once looked like Antonio Banderas are on stage to promote the newest Shrek film. Diaz is wearing heals, but she’s at least half a head taller than Ryno.

    Dim the lights, and here we go…

    Ryno tells creepy girl to stand up. She goes to the far left of the stage to be in one of three groups.

    Ryno calls up Aaron Kelly next. Kelly forgot the take the hanger out of his jacket before he put it on. He goes to the center of the stage.

    Last night, I thought that Big Mike sounded a lot like Shawn Stockman from Boyz II Men. Tonight, he’s wearing a Boyz II Men cardigan sweater. He goes to the far right of the stage. Motown Philly back again…

    Ryno asks Lee DeWyze a question and he answers by saying, “I mean…” Um, Lee. You don’t mean anything if you haven’t spoken yet. He joins creepy girl on the left side of the stage.

    Casey joins Big Mike on the right and Crystal joins Aaron in the middle.

    Ryno tells creepy girl to walk towards Big Mike and Casey and they are the bottom three.

    Carrie Underwood is out to introduce Sons Of Sylvia. Can someone just give Carrie a sammich? That girl is going to wither away. The lead singer from SOS looks like Bill Hader from Saturday Night Live, except with a mullet. He’s straight up singing while playing a violin.

    Lady Antebellum is out singing Need You Now. I know they’re hot and the song is very nice, but I’m not overwhelmed. I’ll take a mulleted Bill Hader any day of the week and twice on Sundays.

    Now, Shakira is on stage playing the harmonica singing Gypsy with Rascal Flatts. Is this American Idol or the American Music Awards? Sorry, I didn’t get that at all. Thankfully, I’m watching this on the DVR. All I saw was Shakira dancing really fast.

    Ryno tells Big Mike that he’s safe. It’s between Casey James and creepy girl.

    And, the person who goes home tonight is…

    I’m sad. How can I keep writing this post for the next month without my creepy girl? The creepy girl has left the building.

    I know that I once said that whenever I see Siobhan on screen I feel the need to lock my door, but I have liked a bunch of her performances. I’ll leave you with my favorite.

  • American Idol Season 9 – Who Makes The Top 8 (For Real This Time)?

    Last night was Elvis night and oh man, I thought it was a rough night. I think the judges were grading on a curve because we didn’t see eye to eye. They loved Tim. I think Tim is like the dumb guy in class who everyone claps for when he gets a B -, only because it’s not a F. They loved Lee. I thought Lee was lazy and sleepy eyed.

    But what we did agree on is that Andrew Garcia is just lost and confused. Simon says the “cool” has been sucked out of him. His rendition of Hound Dog was one of the worst performances I’ve ever seen on American Idol and that says a lot considering how many bad performers there have been. I didn’t even say Constantine’s name and he still started shivering for a reason unbeknown to him.

    I say that alongside Andrew, the elf-like Aaron also goes home. He’s slowly turning into Chicken Little.

    I Have Hair Envy
    I imagine Adam Lambert is going to perform tonight. Let’s hope he doesn’t dry hump anyone or kiss his guitar player. Also, I do hope to get my hair as high as him this weekend. I have hair envy.

    What? Brooke White is also performing tonight? I hope Didi Benami joins her on stage for a possible pasty duet.

    It’s elimination time. Remember, because Big Mike was saved last week, two people are going home tonight.

    Ryno tells Casey, Aaron, and Andrew to meet him in the center of the stage. He got right to it. My Mexican brother Andrew is gone. Lee DeWeed just lost his brother from another mother. Aaron and Casey are safe.

    They showed a teaser video for Idol Gives Back with Elliott Yamin and Kara DioGuardi, and of course, it was pretty heart wrenching.

    Brooke White is singing with a Constantine! Oh no! Wait, that’s not Constantine. It’s a young man by the name of Justin Gaston. Brooke’s wearing shoes by the way. Brooke is so darn likable. I’m a fan.

    Ryno brings Lee, creepy girl, Katie, Big Mike, Crystal, and Teflon Timothy to the middle of the stage. Crystal is safe and decides to play her harmonica on her way back to her seat. Creepy girl is safe and she walks creepily back to her seat. Lee is safe, though he looks like he has the stomach flu since he was so nervous.

    Adam Lambert performs Whataya Want From Me and his hair is just as high as can be. The performance was pretty good too.

    Big Mike, Teflon Timothy, and Katie Stevens are at center stage and one of these three are going home. Ryno tells Teflon Timothy that he’s safe, proving that America is once again deaf and dumb.

    It’s down to Big Mike and Katie. Ryno says that one person goes home and the other person isn’t even in the bottom three. He just likes to mess with people.

    The person going home is Katie Stevens. She went home about two weeks too early. Creepy girl is very sad and all I can think of is if I ever meet her, I don’t want to make her sad so she never has to make that face again. Big Mike whispered some words of wisdom into Katie’s ear before he left her to sing her blues away.

    Carrie Underwood is singing them Home Sweet Home. Wait, that was the song from a couple of years ago. Maybe I just wish that was still the go home song instead of this lame Will Young song. Will Young can “leave right now”.

    Next week’s theme is inspiration and the mentor looks like it’s supposed to be Alicia Keys. That could be good. Let’s hope Swizz Beatz stays home.