Tonight marks the 25th anniversary of the MTV Video Music Awards. If you’re like the majority of people, this event doesn’t excite you. The show has taken such a dive in quality over the past decade or so that I actually skipped last year’s ceremony-and I’m a music awards show junkie. I almost skipped tonight’s show as well, but since my plans for the evening fell through, I’m hanging out here with you, live, as the magic, the drama, and/or the disaster unfolds.
*I have already noticed one good thing-this year’s show is only two hours long (I wrote two years originally…Freudian slip?). It’s the perfect amount of time for me to get annoyed without feeling like I want to kick a hole in the TV.
*I’ve actually already noticed another thing: this Russell Brand or Bland or whatever his name is? Douchebag.
*I’ve only caught about 15 minutes of the pre-show. The hosts are a bunch of no-name guys, the pretty blank space country singer Taylor Swift, some obnoxious Brit (this seems like a running gag tonight), Sway’s sellout ass and John Norris, who is older than all the other co-hosts combined.
*Britney is opening tonight. You’ve gotta figure anything would be better than that performance of “Gimme More”, right?
*Sorry. I want to marry Jonah Hill. There, I said it. If Jonah Hill has a gay twin brother, please call or email me.
*The show opens with a cute skit starring Jonah and Britney, who looks like her old, pretty, less white-trash self again. Still, I can’t help thinking: I’ve seen this woman’s vajayjay.
*Busta Rhymes is in the audience. Shouldn’t he be out somewhere looking for his career?
*Britney’s intro is short and sweet-she looks nervous.
*Rihanna emerges from the crowd, preceded by a bunch of zombies carrying glow sticks. She’s on top of what looks like a giant birthday cake, singing “Disturbia”. The birthday cake opens, revealing some thunder thighs. Damn, girl. Keep eating that ox tails and rice.
*As with every award show I watch, I’m on Potential Jackson Sighting Alert. There have been rumors that both Michael and Janet will show up. Hell, at this point I’m so desperate for a Jackson sighting, I’ll take Freddie Jackson.
*Rihanna’s band kicks into The White Stripes’ “Seven Nation Army”. Somewhere, Jack White is pissed.
*This Russell guy is already pissing me off. He just said “CAN-Ye West”. Somewhere backstage, Kanye is like “I can’t believe this motherfucker don’t know how to say my name”. And then he threw a fit and stormed off the set.
*He is going off on the Republican party. And the jokes are falling a little flat. Bring Chris Rock back!! Hell, Arsenio Hall would be better.
*That monologue felt like it lasted a half hour.
*Jamie Foxx is presenting the first award tonight. Female artist of the year. Foxx has made a Busta Rhymes joke and shouted out the East Coast and West Coast. Someone needs to teleport him out of 1997. He’s still funnier than Russell Brand.
*Britney wins the first VMA of her career. Very lucid, very gracious. Okay, I don’t hate Britney anymore.
*Demi Moore is presenting Best Male Video. Does anyone in the audience even know who she is?
*I’m gonna go on a limb and say Lil Wayne wins this…and I’m wrong! Chris Brown grabs the VMA.
*Russell Crowe has made about 50 jokes about The Jonas Brothers losing their virginity. We got it the first time!!
*Hanson The Jonas Brothers are performing on what looks like the Sesame Street front stoop. At least this way, the one brother won’t do a face plant like he did on the American Music Awards last year.
*I’m just waiting for one of them to bust out with an “Mmmbop”.
*The Jonas Brothers have just left Sesame Street, the stage opened up and they were surrounded by about a million screaming girls…and a handful of screaming gay dudes.
*The Jonas Brothers performance segues into Katy “I Kissed a Girl” Perry performing “Like a Virgin”. There’s a joke in there somewhere, and Russell Hitchcock has made it about 10 times already tonight.
*And here’s “I Kissed a Girl”…for about 30 seconds, which is still about 29 seconds too long.
*Michael Phelps is wearing headphones? Huh?
*Phelps listens to Jeezy and Weezy. He’s gangsta!! Well, actually, he’s probably just like one of the million suburban white kids who listens to gangsta rap to fulfill their wigger fantasies and grows up with a one-dimensional idea of what black culture is about.
*Leona Lewis opens up the Li’l Wayne performance with a version of “Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood”. Why are so many good singers so damn bland?
*Weezy gets a “shit” past the MTV censors. His pants are falling off his ass and he’s wearing a belt. Dude, pull your joints up.
*Performance is over. That was painful.
*Didn’t someone already give out Best Female Video? Apparently Ciara and Lezzy Lohan are presenting…um, I don’t know what exactly. There was some kind of Dance Battle and some people named Fanny Pack won it? Someone help me out here. I’m lost.
*Best Dancing in a Video is the category they’re announcing. I get it now.
*The Pussycat Dolls win the category…ho hum. This show is so boring I can’t even think of any smart-ass things to say.
*Hey, Nicole Scherzinger. What happened to that solo album?
*This show has only gone on for 57 minutes and it already feels like 3 hours.
*I don’t know who the hell these people introducing Paramore are. Someone help me out?
*Then again, I really don’t know who Paramore is/are either. Good Lord, I’m out of touch.
*OK, Paramore sounds like Avril Lavigne + Fall Out Boy divided by Evanescence. I’m not impressed.
*This show isn’t bad so much as it’s boring. As. Fuck.
*Nipsey Russell just made another crappy set of Jonas jokes.
*Shia LeBouf and Slash are presenting the award for…let me guess…Best Rock Video. I wonder if Slash is going to try to smoke or snort the cast on Shia’s hand.
*LeBouf means “The Beef”. I could make an insanely perverted comment right now, but if I did, you would never read this blog again.
*Linkin Park wins Best Rock Video.
*I actually don’t have a cross word to say about Linkin Park. “Minutes to Midnight” is a great album.
*Miley Cyrus is singing “Livin’ on a Prayer” on “Rock Band” and is participating in a terrible skit with Brenda Russell.
*These sets are pretty elaborate. And Pink is kicking ass. We just got a shot of her bloomers too.
*Some serious pyro going on. If Jacko is actually in the house, he just got a flashback to the Pepsi commercial and is now crouching backstage in the fetal position, screaming for Tito.
*It’s the Ting Tings performing “Shut Up & Let Me Go” AKA the iPod song.
*It’s Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson, who looks like she’s having septuplets. Wentz just cracked an MJ joke. Weak.
*Presenting Best Hip-Hop Video…Slipknot???
*You think the Insane Clown Posse is pissed off because Slipknot is doing the mask thing and is still successful?
*Holy crap, it’s McLovin. He just dropped an “F” bomb. Has he been in any movies since “Superbad”?
*How does Mary J. Blige get nominated in a category with four rappers? Didn’t they used to have separate categories for rap & R&B?
*Weezy gets his VMA.
*John Legend and Jordin Sparks just presented an award, and Miss Sparks just read Russell, Cliff Huxtable’s dad. Damn girl, you sassy.
*She’s also about three times John Legend’s size. She could body-check that dude and give him a concussion.
*They’re introducing T.I., who is busy on his “I Need To Make As Much Money As Possible Before I Get Butt-Raped In Jail” promotional tour.
*”Whatever You Like” is the #1 song in the country and this is the first time I’m hearing it. Unsurprisingly, it sucks.
*I get it, it’s a Hollywood theme! That’s why everyone is performing on a set!!! I’m smart, y’all!!
*Rihanna pops up for a second time, assisting T.I. on performance. T.I.’s lip-synching. I think my BET Awards live blog expressed perfectly how I feel about people who don’t even sing lip-synching.
*Christina Aguilera is wearing what looks like a castoff from Janet’s “Velvet Rope” era and performing a Britney-ized version of “Genie in a Bottle”. This is weird.
*Now she’s performing a new song, which is…eh. It’s certainly more radio-friendly than anything on her last album. This isn’t necessarily a good thing
*She’s also lip-synching. Does Christina Aguilera really need to lip-synch??
*Remember back in the day when it was difficult to tell Britney and Christina apart? I think we’re headed back in that direction.
*There’s some Gossip Girls folks presenting the Best New Artist award. Maybe I should start watching TV again.
*Tokyo Hotel wins the award. I have no idea who the hell they are, but one guy (chick?) in the group looks like Pete Burns from Dead or Alive.
*Wait, are they French? And they’re named Tokyo Hotel? I’m confused.
*Ah, LLCool J. He never lets an opportunity go by to promote the fact that he has an album coming out. If only anyone still cared.
*Paris Hilton and her size 11 boats jump onto the stage, announcing Best Pop Video.
*Paris presents Britney with her second trophy of the night. AWK-WARD!!
*Wait a minute…wasn’t this show only supposed to be two hours? They’re talking about performances in 16 minutes? It’s 10:53? This shit is supposed to be over in 7!!!BLAST!!!
*Drake & Josh…High School Musical…Miley Cyrus…Jonas Brothers…is this the VMAs or the Kids Choice Awards?
*I really, really want to hate Kid Rock. For whatever reason, though, I can’t. Here’s some real old school Kid for ya.
*Li’l Wayne comes out to rhyme alongside Kid Rock. I’ve already tuned out so much that I can’t even make out what he’s saying.
*Kid Rock almost kicked Weezy in the head. That would have been the moment of the show.
*Kobe Bryant is presenting the Video of the Year. Hey Kobe, what does Shaq’s ass taste like?
*My buddy Nick brought up the fact that the Jonas Brothers are not the new Beatles a while back, and despite the obvious “duh” fact of that statement, the fact is that even if they were the next Beatles (and seriously, were “She Loves You” and “I Want To Hold Your Hand” any different than “Burnin’ Up”?), the fact is that the snarky press (of which I guess I’m a member, sort of) would never allow it. Criticism isn’t always a good thing.
*Britney makes it 3 for 3. Welcome to the Britney Spears Reclamation Project.
*She seems a little zooted. Lord knows how many anti-depressants she’s on. I want some.
*CAN-YE West is…um…SINGING?? This is…weird-ish. The crowd is confused. As am I.
*I guess he figures if he can’t win a Grammy for Album of the Year with a hip-hop record, he’ll do it with an R&B record?
*This dude’s staging is sick, although I’m definitely not sold on the song.
*This ends an EXCRUCIATING 137 minutes, and no Jacksons. Damn it. Good night, folks. I’m turning this TV off and I hope to never see Russell Thompkins, Jr and his annoying Limey ass again. Peace OUT!!
