I understand the Black Eyed Peas perform tonight. Sigh. That just means I’m going to see the Fergie-monster in my nightmares when I go to sleep. And David Cook, I mean Kris Allen, I mean Lee DeWyze is also going to perform tonight.
Last night, I thought Miss Haley and Miss Naima performed pretty badly. I think Miss Karen could also be on the cutting block, but J. Lo loves her too much for people to see how pedestrian she’s been so far.
I think the Idol contestants are performing a Born This Way and Born To Be Wild mash-up. All the members of Steppenwolf decided to put on t-shirts made out of meat to show their disproval.
Ryno calls Jacob, Lauren, and Casey to the stage. It’d be hard to imagine either of the three being in any real danger. Ryno tells Jacob he’s safe and he has to pretend that he was worried. Ryno tells Lauren that she’s safe too. Ryno tells Casey he is also safe. He thought he was a goner. I think he fell for the banana in the tailpipe. Come on Casey! You know you weren’t going anywhere son!
Ryno calls up Haley and Paul. Haley already has the boo-boo face going. She knew what was coming. She and her red lipstick are in the bottom three, while Paul is safe. [sarcasm]Yay! More drunken dancing![/sarcasm]
That ever original artist who sounded nothing like the two previous American Idol winners before him, Lee DeWyze is singing his new song Beautiful Like You. Blake Lewis just gave Lee a thumbs down and said at least he was a creative cookie-cutter white guy.
Ryno asks Lee to give the Idol contestants advice and Lee starts with, “I mean …” No really Lee, it’s not like we didn’t understand you and you had to reiterate considering you didn’t say anything before saying, “I mean.” Crystal Bowersox lost to this dude?
Ryno brings Scotty, Pia, and James to the stage. If either of these are in the bottom three, we riot. Ryno tells Scotty that he’s safe. He says that Pia is also safe. He finally tells Big Game James that he’s safe too.
That leaves us with Stefano, Naima, Thia, and Karen.
He brings up Stefano and Naima to the stage. One is safe and one is in the bottom three. Stefano, the new Elliott Yamin is safe, and Naima is in the bottom three. He then brings up Karen and Thia. Karen is in the bottom three. Maybe the audience is finally seeing through Karen’s very so-so performances.
The Black Eyed Peas are on stage. Fergie has a dreamboat body, but a shipwreck face. They’re performing Just Can’t Get Enough. Fergie has either had bulldog cheek implants, or she had a bad day. Fergie’s one of those girls who looks good from afar. Oh yah, the song is pretty wack. Dirty bit.
We’re back to the bottom three. Your girl Naima is safe. So it’s down to Haley’s lipstick and Karen. Whoa, Karen is the goner! Ryno’s trying to tell Karen that the judges may bring her back. We know that’s not happening. She could sing La Bamba with the ghost of Richie Valens behind her and they’re not bringing her back. She could’ve asked a very pregnant Mariah Carey waddle out on stage and sing Hero with her and they weren’t going to save her.
Randall says they’re not going to use the save on Karen, but it wasn’t unanimous. I think we know who tried to keep her. Here’s a hint: her name is Jennifer Lopez.
Seacrest out!
Photo of Fergie by Wikipedia and licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 Generic license
I have to share with you a very sad experience. Last night, after I came home from work, I turned on my TV and noticed that I had no cable signal. I looked on the DVR for my saved programs and there was something missing. There was no recording of Tuesday’s American Idol broadcast. Thus, it broke my streak of blogging every single show for my personal website since the start of season two. My oldest son was two years old when I started blogging the show. He’s now ten.
What’s Left Of Nick And Me?I felt empty inside. What was I to do? It’s not like I could go to iTunes and download the show to watch. They let you download the performances, but not the entire show. And why does that even make sense? I felt lost. It was like something was taken away from me. I felt like Nick Lachey after he divorced Jessica Simpson. What was really left of me?
And I get home today and predictably, the cable is still out. So I had to sneak into the house of my ex-wife while everyone is sleeping to blog tonight’s show for you. That’s how hardcore I am. Oh yeah, and Charter Communications can go run in front of the BART train that also made me late today.
Tonight is Idol Gives Back which is the charity driven show that they put on every two years. It’s also cut down day to the final seven. Since I didn’t see Tuesday’s show, I really have no idea who did well and who didn’t. But based on the previous weeks, my guess is that not many people did well. In fact, I’d bet that Crystal was the best and everyone else was below her and not close. It’s Crystal and the pretenders.
On with the show…
Ryno immediately throws the show to the Obamas. You know you’re big time when you can just throw it to the President of the United States. Is it just me or do the President and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson have similar cadence when they talk. I’m not saying the Pres stole from The Rock, but I guaran-damn-tee you that he’s seen a Rock promo before and might’ve swagger jacked the Rock a bit.
I’m donating tonight by buying some songs on iTunes.
Ryno throws it to Queen Latifah who is hosting the live performances in Pasadena. First Ryno throws it to the Pres and then he throws it to the Queen. That’s a U-N-I-T-Y.
Hey, they let Andrew and Paige Miles back in the building. Is that Didi Benami? I forget Minnie Mouse’s name.
Jen Garner, aka Mrs. Ben Affleck is the first celeb to show us who we’re giving back to tonight. Obviously, I’m not going to joke about this part of the show because it really is a great idea. But you better believe that when The Black Eyed Peas come on the stage, I’m making Fergie jokes up the wazoo.
Hey, the original creepy AI contestant, Constantine is on screen. Oh, no, that’s Russell Brand. I think we should have a skinny contest between Victoria Beckham, Russell Brand, and Carrie Underwood. Loser has to eat a hamburger.
The Black Eyed Peas are performing on Latifah’s stage. My best friend Fergie Ferg is actually looking halfway decent tonight. Well, halfway decent for someone with a face that resembles a baby pony. You have to give it to her on her body though. Like she once said, she works on her fitness. Too bad we can’t give her any exercises for her face.
Ryno just introduced George Lopez. He’s judging the judges. He calls Randy, Lionel Pitchie. Since he’s the only brother on the show, he’s safe.
He calls Kara, Karla DiGuido. Since she posed naked for a magazine, she’s safe.
It’s Ellen’s turn. She’s the Kourtney Kardashian of the crew. Whatever that means. And she’s safe.
He asks Simon, “Saline or silicone?” Simon’s safe because of the volcanic ash that keeps people from traveling. Ok, that bit didn’t work at all. I love me some George, but he forgot to say, “Sabes que,” at least once. Tonight, he wasn’t a Mexican, he was a Mexican’t.
It’s time to put someone in the bottom three. Ryno asks Crystal and Casey to join him in the center of the stage. Ryno says one of the two of them was in the bottom three. Casey might as well just walk over there now. Yep, he’s in the bottom three.
Aaron and Lee are now in the center. Ed Grimley Jr. sang I Believe I Can Fly last night? Man, I was going to call that one. One of the two are in the bottom three. Lee DeWeed is safe. The youngling is in the bottom three.
Back to the Queen’s side of things, Jeff Beck and Joss Stone are performing I Put A Spell On You. I wonder if Raphael Saadiq is around anywhere. I think Joss Stone is trying to become the American Idol. Someone needs to tell her she’s not being judged and doesn’t have to try to impress Simon so hard.
Hey, David Arquette was in the audience. I might’ve been the only person to recognize him. I guess the former WCW champion isn’t big enough to be part of the show.
Big Morgan Freeman and Randy Jackson spent sometime in Mississippi and they want to save the children.
Junk In The TrunkIt’s Alicia Keys time. I don’t care what anyone says. Alicia is fine. She does get minus points for breaking up Swizz Beatz’s marriage though. Hey, I guess no one’s perfect. We’ll see a terrible case of noassatall soon with Carrie Underwood, but Alicia absolutely doesn’t have that problem. Even though they’re in LA, she decides to perform her version of Empire State Of Mind.
Hey, Carrie came on stage earlier than I thought. Luckily for us, she’s wearing a dress that isn’t hugging her hips and backside. If Alicia Keys has junk in the trunk, Carrie’s trunk is empty. Can’t even fit a cooler back there. Carrie’s singing Change. I think I’ll buy this performance as part of my donation tonight.
Oh, that’s why David Arquette was in the front row. He and Ellen were shown at a food bank. I’ve worked in a kitchen in which we helped to feed people in San Francisco before. I can vouch that it’s a great way to give back. I’m just bummed that David Arquette isn’t wearing his WCW championship belt while helping put the food together.
I love me some Elliott Yamin. He’s my favorite Idol contestant ever. But why does he wear the Rocky IV beard from when Rocky ran the mountains in Russia? It’s not a good look man.
Back to the results, Ryno asks creepy girl, Big Mike, and Big Time Timmy Jim to join him in the middle of the stage. Creepy girl gets to go back and sit down. Big Mike is also safe and Teflon Timothy is back in the bottom three.
The stories that really get to me are the ones where the poor kids are born with HIV and get full blow AIDS as children. Annie Lennox was supposed to perform live, but because of the volcano, she’s not there live. Instead, she performed via video with a shirt that said, “HIV POSITIVE”.
Mary J. Blige, Orianthi, Randy Jackson, and some other folks whose names I didn’t catch are performing Stairway To Heaven. I think I’ll buy this one too. I also see Travis Barker playing the drums. No one told him about the dress code. I’ve dressed nicer while taking out the garbage in the morning.
Elton John is performing and unfortunately for probably only just me, he’s not singing Measure Of A Man. That’s my favorite Elton song. I may know only one other person who also counts that as his favorite Elton song.
You’re out of time, your out of place, look at your face, it’s the measure of a man!
It’s time to eliminate a sad young man. Ryno first sends Ed Grimley Jr. back to safety so it’s Casey and Timothy who are left.
And it’s young Timothy who leaves us. Well, it’s only about 14 weeks too late.
I’m going to buy some songs on iTunes for Idol Gives Back. But, Timothy’s going to have to leave right now.
Photo of Alicia Keys shared through Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic
Photo of Nick Lachey shared through Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic
Soundscan’s 2009 officially ended at midnight on Monday morning, and Taylor Swift and Susan Boyle were racing for the prize for best-selling album of the year. Swift manages to win in a photo finish. “Fearless” sold 3.22 million copies in the calendar year, just a shade over Boyle’s 3.10 million. Boyle can take some consolation in the fact that “I Dreamed a Dream” tops the Billboard album chart for a sixth consecutive week, with sales of 137,000 copies as the industry winds down from the holiday boom.
Actually, this week’s Top 5 is very kind to the fairer sex. Aside from Boyle at the top and Swift at #5, the chart is filled out by a resurgent Lady GaGa at #2, Alicia Keys at #3 and Mary J. Blige at #4. The post-Christmas lull and a lack of new releases makes for a pretty uneventful chart, but that may change next week as newcomer Ke$ha challenges for the #1 spot.
Let’s re-direct our attention to the year-end charts. Swift and Boyle had the only albums to move over 3 million units in 2009. All told, 5 albums crossed the 2 million mark, 22 albums crossed the 1 million mark and 62 albums scanned over half a million copies, as though we needed any further proof that the industry is shrinking-nearly 100 albums crossed the Gold barrier as recently as 2005.
A few trends that jump out as I peruse the year-end totals:
*Country is one genre that is illegal-download and recession proof. 14 country albums sold over half a million copies this year, led by two Taylor Swift albums. In addition to “Fearless”, her self-titled debut was the 35th best-selling album of the year with 782,000 copies sold. Other major country successes included Rascal Flatts, Carrie Underwood, the Zac Brown Band and the country-flavored “Hannah Montana” movie soundtrack, all of which were million-sellers.
*Hip-hop had a mixed bag of a year. Three rap albums land in the Top 10. The Black Eyed Peas had the year’s 7th biggest seller with “The E.N.D.”, followed by Eminem’s “Relapse” at #8 and Jay-Z’s “Blueprint 3” at #9. The only other rap album to sell more than half a million units this past year was T.I.’s “Paper Trail”, which pops in at #58 with 530,000 units scanned. You could also technically include Kanye West’s “808s and Heartbreak”, which scanned 597,000 units this year, although it’s not a rap album per se.
*If you’re an “American Idol” fan, now might be a good time to start buying music. Carrie Underwood’s “Play On” was the only album from an “Idol” alum to crash the million-sold barrier this year. She’s followed by Daughtry (#31, 882K) and Kelly Clarkson (#33, 813K). If you’re looking for other former “Idol”s, you have to go much lower on the chart, where you’ll find David Cook (#73), Underwood’s “Carnival Ride” (#74, Adam Lambert (#81), the first Daughtry album (#144), Underwood’s debut (#158), Jennifer Hudson (#166), Kris Allen (#183) and Kellie Pickler (#191).
*Good old dependable rock & roll? Not so much. The biggest-selling rock album of the year was Kings of Leon’s “Only by the Night”, which lands at #10, with 1.4 million copies sold. Nickelback’s “Dark Horse” trails right behind at #11. Along with the “Twilight” soundtrack (#13), they are the only rock albums in the Top 20.
*Then, of course, there’s Michael Jackson. “Number Ones” finished as the year’s third biggest-seller, with 2.4 million copies sold. It was followed by “This is It” (#12), “Thriller” (#14), and “The Essential Michael Jackson” (#20).
*As far as sales disappointments go, albums by these superstar artists failed to even hit the 400,000 copies sold mark: Mariah Carey, Colbie Caillat, Creed, Fabolous, Rob Thomas and 50 Cent, while albums by Rick Ross and Bon Jovi have stalled under the 500,000 mark.
Here are the year’s Top 40 sellers, according to Soundscan:
1) Taylor Swift “Fearless”
2) Susan Boyle “I Dreamed a Dream”
3) Michael Jackson “Number Ones”
4) Lady GaGa “The Fame”
5) Andrea Bocelli “My Christmas”
6) Soundtrack “Hannah Montana: The Movie”
7) The Black Eyed Peas “The E.N.D.”
8) Eminem “Relapse”
9) Jay-Z “Blueprint 3”
10) Kings of Leon “Only by the Night”
11) Nickelback “Dark Horse”
12) Michael Jackson “This is It”
13) Soundtrack “Twilight”
14) Michael Jackson “Thriller”
15) Zac Brown Band “Foundation”
16) Michael Buble “Crazy Love”
17) Miley Cyrus “Time of Our Lives EP”
18) Beyonce “I Am…Sasha Fierce”
19) Carrie Underwood “Play On”
20) Michael Jackson “The Essential Michael Jackson”
21) Rascal Flatts “Unstoppable”
22) U2 “No Line on the Horizon”
23) Dave Matthews Band “Big Whiskey & the GrooGrux King”
24) Lady Antebellum “Lady Antebellum”
25) Soundtrack “Twilight: New Moon”
26) Jason Aldean “Wide Open”
27) Maxwell “BLACKsummersnight”
28) Whitney Houston “I Look to You”
29) Green Day “21st Century Breakdown”
30) Darius Rucker “Learn to Live”
31) Daughtry “Leave This Town”
32) Various “Now That’s What I Call Music 32”
33) Kelly Clarkson “All I Ever Wanted”
34) P!nk “Funhouse”
35) Taylor Swift “Taylor Swift”
36) The Fray “The Fray”
37) Alicia Keys “The Element of Freedom”
38) Various “Now That’s What I Call Music 30”
39) Justin Bieber “My World”
40) Keith Urban “Defying Gravity”
I understand the Black Eyed Peas perform tonight. Sigh. That just means I’m going to see the Fergie-monster in my nightmares when I go to sleep. And David Cook, I mean Kris Allen, I mean Lee DeWyze is also going to perform tonight. 
