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Tag: Justin Timberlake

  • Mike & Paul Are Live Blogging the Grammys

    So Mike and I are watching the Grammys together (well, cyber-together at least) tonight and blogging as we go.  And away we go…

    U2 open up the show with their new single “Get On Your Boots”… a very chaotic performance of a song that I’m not entirely sold on yet.  I’m totally not sold on Bono’s new dance moves either.  Or Larry Mullen’s goth black hair.

    Oh my gawd, Whitney Houston is making Britney Spears look well-adjusted.   Her poor voice…  ugh, she’s hard to look at.

    Go Jennifer Hudson.  I didn’t have a clear favorite in the best R&B album category (Al Green would have been my personal pick, but his is the only one of the nominees I’ve really heard).  But I’m glad that Jennifer got this.

    Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson… newly minted karaoke star (I think his brief rendition of “Just the Way You Are” was better than Billy Joel).  Opens with a corny anagram.   Not promising.

    Boyz II Men, Keith Urban, Al Green and Justin…   I’m digging the deeper-voiced Al Green.  Still sexy.  I’m loving this whole number – it’s unadulterated joy.  U2 is distant memory.

    So, as we hit the first commercial break, we learn the following: Whitney is off the crack but still crack-ish, U2’s new single sounds almost exactly like “Vertigo”, and about 700 babies were conceived during the Al Green performance. We can now move on…

    Is this show going to be a big giant plug for CBS? What does Simon Baker have to do with music?

    When did Chris Martin become a solo artist? Oops…never mind…here’s the rest of the band.

    Someone should tell Chris that no one wants to see his treasure trail. Someone should also tell him to take dance lessons. Then someone should tell Jay-Z to get a haircut.

    Sorry, folks. Carrie Underwood is totally anonymous to me. She might as well be Faith Hill. Something tells me, however, that Faith would take exception to that.

    Here’s a country award, which goes to Sugarland. Paul, have you listened to these guys before? I have nothing to say, except the guy in the group is kinda hot.

    Paul here:   Mike, I love Sugarland…  their cover of “Life in a Northern Town” was one of the highlights of my year last year.    I’m with you on Carrie Underwood.  “Last Name” sounds like it’s about 3 years old now – actually when it started, I thought she was playing that… other song she did, like 3 years ago.  What the hell was it? (Mike: “Before He Cheats”)   But Carrie Underwood’s guitarist looked to Carrie Underwood’s 80s hair metal doppelganger, and the two of them standing side by side as they wailed at the end was sort of interesting.  (The Sugarland guy IS hot)

    Coldplay was sort of fun to watch… like U2 circa 1982.

    Congratulations Gene Autry and Brenda Lee… but Grammy’s got better things to do.   Moving on…

    Al Green and Duffy harmonizing a capella at the microphone.  Al Green should release a new record every year just so that he can be on the Grammys some more.

    It’s hard to argue with Coldplay’s “Viva La Vida” winning Song of the Year.   Chris Martin proving refreshingly taciturn.

    Did Kid Rock finish his community service yet?  Does singing “Amen” count for it?  I hate “Sweet Home Alabama”, but I love Kid Rock’s song about it (“All Summer Long”), and I wish he just would have stuck with it instead of doing this trio of “American Idol” style snippets.  It just never got off the ground for me, where a good all-star rave-up of “All Summer Long” would have been awesome.

    Mike!  Look!  Sugarland are going to play later on.  Prepare your bib.

    Mike’s back. I’ll just borrow the bib that Jennifer Hudson is wearing.

    WTF is Miley Cyrus doing on the Grammy Awards? Although it seems as though she’s already mastered the “O” face.

    Robert Plant & Alison Krauss win Best Pop Collaboration with Vocals. I called that one. I wonder what they would have said if Chris Brown had won. “We’re sorry, but Chris Brown beat up some chick and couldn’t make it to the show tonight”.

    Jenny Hud is back in a much better looking dress. Damn, that girl has some pipes on her.

    Paul here:    There is just a lot of really, really bad white boy dancing going on tonight.  And Stevie Wonder seriously deserves better than to be upstaged by the Jonas Brothers…  who need to learn to shut up while Stevie’s singing.  And who need to spend a little time with the lyric sheet before they take on a song like “Superstition”.   What did Simon Cowell say about “forgetting the words” this week?    This performance just leaves me feeling a little…  well, okay yeah, pissed off.

    Oooooh, Blink 182 – together again!   Oooooh, Coldplay wins again!  Chris Martin – not as taciturn.  Effusive, in fact.  But still sincere, and far more likable than I’d imagined he would be.

    A couple other things:  Taylor Swift looks like a gelfling.  There.  I’ve said it.   And she and Miley don’t blend.

    Jennifer Hudson is my hero tonight.  Simple.  Elegant.  Classy.  The one person with the most legitimate excuse for drama, and she comes off both powerful and humble.  And damn, she can sing.  She didn’t need the choir.  In fact, I wish they would have left the choir home.

    Mike’s back. Paul…what’s a gelfing?

    I vote for Craig Ferguson to host next year.

    Dear Katy Perry. P!nk called.She wants her schtick back.

    I kissed a boy and I liked it. Do I get to perform on the Grammy Awards?

    Kanye West appears, apparently having stolen Michael Jackson’s look circa 1981.

    mj81

    Oh that Kanye. He so crazy!!!

    The Jonas Brothers lost Best New Artist because Adele ate them. Oh, and then she dissed them!!!!!! I love Adele!!

    Latifah’s introducing Jay, Kanye, Wayne and T.I….this should be good.

    The sound is awful. These guys are rappers-shouldn’t some body be kicking the sound man’s ass?

    Didn’t someone perform “I Saw Her Standing There” on the Grammys just a couple of years ago? (answer: yes. Dave Matthews and several others did…I think it might have been a Beatles tribute performance)

    My friend Marc: “Doesn’t Michael Jackson still own this song?”. Why, yes, he does!

    Paul here:  Adele not only ate the Jonas Brothers – she liked them.  I’m really into Katy Perry right now, but she sounded a little out of breath.   Also, I’m just really so excited that Cathy Dennis has done so well for herself as a songwriter.

    Mike, you’re right.  The sound during the “hip hop summit” was godawful (actually, the sound throughout the show has been pretty sucky), and the whole thing ended up sounding like nothing but a shouting match – and maybe that’s sorta what it was supposed to be, but then that’s kind of an aberration of the word “summit”.  That said:  holy pregnant M.I.A. belly!

    Gelflings:

    gelflings1

    Don’t tell me you’ve never seen “The Dark Crystal”…

    Actually, I thought Kanye looked like one of the guys from Ready For the World.

    rftw

    Is someone aiming a laser-pointer at Sugarland?  God, I love this woman’s voice.

    I keep expecting Adele to start singing “Situation”.

    I was sure that Morgan Freeman was introducing Neil Diamond.  Imagine my disappointment.  I still haven’t entirely forgiven Kenny Chesney for the summer that I couldn’t go into a karaoke bar without hearing a really drunken version of “She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy”.   Also, I have a hard time picturing Kenny and Morgan hanging out together.  What do they talk about?   Any ideas, Mike?

    Paul, are you trying to lead me into a joke that I don’t want to make? Actually, when I saw Morgan Freeman, I remembered how happy I was that “The Electric Company” is back on TV.

    The USC Marching Band is joining Radiohead on stage. Somewhere, Lindsey Buckingham and Stevie Nicks are sitting somewhere saying “but didn’t we…?”

    Gwyneth Paltrow has two babies and still doesn’t have titties.

    Thom Yorke and Chris Martin obviously graduated from the same dancing school.

    Holy Quick Commercials Batman! It’s back to you, Paul.

    (and I keep wanting to say “But Paul, I think I told you. I’m a lover, not a fighter”).

    OK, I’ll admit: I really like that T.I./Timberlake song

    Do we really need Neil Diamond singing “Sweet Caroline”?

    God, I just felt like I was at a Sox game.

    Here’s the deceased folks tribute. Nothing snarky to say here.

    BB King and co. are going off on the guitar tribute to Bo Diddley. Good stuff.

    (OK, I think we’ve officially lost count of who goes where).

    Yet another CBS crossover with Gary Sinise performing. Next, the cast of “How I Met Your Mother”.

    OK…why isn’t Robin Thicke as popular as Justin Timberlake?

    Damn it, I need to go down to N.O. one year. Mardi Gras, here I come?

    Hip-hop is holding it down this year, folks.

    It’s Rap music’s Talentless Twins: T-Pain and will.i.ain’t

    Lil Wayne, to no one’s suprise, wins Rap Album of the Year and delivers a fairly succinct speech. As much of a critic of modern-day rap music as I am, I gotta say that we redeemed ourselves nicely this year.

    Zoe Deschanel sings?

    Plant and Krauss are performing…unless Plant jumps into “The Crunge”, I’ll only be sort of playing attention.

    They also win Album of the Year-entirely predictable…

    And the ceremony is over! Paul, any closing thoughts?

    I actually liked that Robert Plant was so into talking about the process of creating “Raising Sand” in all of his acceptance speeches, but as usual, I hate Grammy’s pick for Album of the Year.  “Raising Sand” is a fine record, but I don’t think it was the definitive “Album of the Year”.   It should have gone to either Lil Wayne or Coldplay.

    Thanks Mike for riding this out with me.   It’s been fun!

  • Who’s Gonna Take The Weight? Looking For a 21st Century Musical Icon

    Every generation has a musical icon, usually several. Someone who acts as a paradigm shifter, changing the game for all that come after. In the Fifties, it was Elvis. The Beatles and The Stones took the Sixties. Stevie Wonder, Marvin Gaye, The Sex Pistols and a host of artists turned the tide in the Seventies. Michael, Prince and Madonna ruled the early Eighties, and R.E.M. and U2 ended the decade. Then there was Hurricane Cobain, Biggie and ‘Pac.

    However, this decade has yet to produce that paradigm shifter, someone to change the face of music. There hasn’t been one big musical revolution at all in the 21st century. Perhaps that’s due to the fact that music seems to be so segregated these days. Young people these days seem to lock themselves into a niche and not really listen to anything outside of it-and I realize I totally sound like an old coot when I say this.

    So, who is going to take the baton and become the pre-eminent musical icon of the decade? Well, first you have to ask what it takes to become an icon? You’ve got to be forward-thinking and artistic-so critical cred is a must. You’ve got to have charisma and an image that resonates with the public. You’ve also-for better or for worse-got to sell records. All of the artists I mentioned earlier were megastars. So, while moving units isn’t the most important thing, it certainly counts.

    Now who fits the bill? Well, think of the artists who have managed to maintain critical and commercial success. Radiohead immediately comes to mind, but they’d reached iconic status before the decade even started. Actually, a ton of this decade’s most consistent artists were active through most of the Nineties: Beck, The Roots, Jay-Z, OutKast. I’d even throw Dave Matthews Band in there if critics were a little kinder to them. Aside from maybe The Roots (who really should get some kind of award for most consistent rap group in history, or should at least share it with De La Soul), all of these artists were already icons, at least within their respective genres. There are also a couple of acts-like John Mayer and Alicia Keys, who fall just short of consideration. Here are the artists I think should be mentioned as icons of the current generation.

    Eminem-It’s arguable that Eminem was the last major icon that popular music has produced. As the most successful white rapper in history, he opened up millions of ears to hip-hop culture (and by extension, a segment of black culture), all while producing three consecutive albums that are considered either classics or near-classics. He fired up women’s groups, gay groups and everyone from Christina Aguilera to Michael Jackson with his lyrics, and also had that James Dean “I-don’t-give-a-fuck” rebel thing going on.

    However, Eminem’s been traveling down the long slippery slope of suck for about half a decade now. He’s turned from a witty social commentor into your garden-variety gangsta rapper, with nothing to rhyme about except guns and clubs. Too much hanging out with 50 Cent, I guess. Em’s upcoming album, Relapse, will be the record that seals his legacy for him. Judging from the tastes we’ve heard of it so far, I think it might be curtains for Eminem as a cultural and musical icon. Sorry, Marshall. It’s been fun.

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    The White Stripes. Photo by imnotgarycoleman.


    The White Stripes    – Detroit in the house, I guess. Jack White’s been the rocker du jour since breaking through with Fell in Love with a Girl back when all the “The” bands were in vogue. He and Meg have outlasted every single one of them. Rock bands these days seem to come and go with alarming frequency, but it’s safe to say that The Stripes are this decade’s breakout American band. There’s also Jack’s side project, The Raconteurs, who have released two solidly successful albums, and his guest shots producing everyone from Loretta Lynn to Beck. All that said, I don’t know if the White Stripes have reached a large enough audience to qualify. Their albums sell well, but not fantastically, and unlike the other artists mentioned here, they don’t have that wide-ranging cultural reach.

    Beyonce-This generation’s Diana Ross, Beyonce’s a successful singer, a successful actress, and a successful fashion designer. It seems that she wins no matter what she puts her hands on. Songs like Independent Women and Single Ladies (Put a Ring on it) have definitely endeared her to this generation of strong women, and she has an uncanny knack for the earworm, with inescapable singles like Irreplaceable and Crazy in Love. However, there’s something about Beyonce that just doesn’t catch. There’s no edge to her personality. Also, she can write hooks, but can she really write songs? Keep in mind that Irreplaceable was written by Ne-Yo, who’s a hit album or two from appearing on this list himself.

    joe-shlabotnikJustin Timberlake-When Usher’s Here I Stand didn’t set charts on fire this year, Justin Timberlake officially took over as the new millennium Michael Jackson. He’s successfully made the jump from the member of a critically maligned boy band to a critically adored solo artist. He’s certainly ubiquitous-appearing in Gnarls Barkley videos, doing records with everyone from T-Pain to Chris Cornell, hosting some of the most memorable Saturday Night Live episodes in recent memory. You’ve gotta wonder, though. How much of Justin’s success is due to Justin and how much of it is due to Timbaland. Tim’s presence on both the FutureSex/LoveSounds album and its’ videos was so dominant you could practically call them a duo. JT hasn’t really established his own sound yet, and although I think he’s very close to attaining cultural icon status, he just ain’t there yet.

    Coldplay-The new millennium’s first and only stadium band, Coldplay has scored four successful smash albums. Once the other guy (U2) blinks, Coldplay can stake their claim as the biggest rock band in the world. Pretty heady stats, eh? A couple things separate Coldplay from who I feel is their biggest competitor in the 21st century musical icon sweepstakes. One, Chris Martin doesn’t necessarily have name value yet, and unless you’re a hardcore fan, I bet you can’t name more than one other member of the band. Two, critical opinion of the band is split, to say the least. Three, the band is still stuck with the tag of being derivative-a watered down mixture of U2 and Radiohead. Granted, you could pick a lot worse acts to steal your schtick from, and Viva La Vida has quieted some of that talk down, but Coldplay will have to settle for runner up status this time around.

    So, who’s the closest thing we have to a musical icon in this century?

    s-affandi
    Kanye West. Photo by s-affandi

    Kanye West -Nearly 10 million records sold over the course of four albums. 9 Grammy Awards. Three critically acclaimed albums and one album so far off the beaten path no one knows what to do with it. Outspoken to a fault. Obnoxious. Arrogant. Savvy. Although he sometimes comes off as a rapping, producing George Jefferson, there’s no denying that Kanye’s music is almost as good as he says it is. There’s the fact that his audience is all over the place-from grandmothers who dug Gold Digger to the college kids picking apart 808s & Heartbreak, to the thugs blasting his productions for artists like Lil’ Wayne and Young Jeezy. Think about it-an album like 808s would be a certified career-killer if recorded by just about any other artist. Kanye’s sold a million copies of it in six weeks. He and Jay-Z are the only rappers capable of selling out stadiums, and it’s not hard to imagine Kanye and his mouth pulling off a sitcom, a variety show or a guest-hosting gig on a show like SNL. Add all of that together, and you’ve gotta admit that even if we don’t have an official voice of this generation yet, Kanye’s the closest one.

    Do you think I’m loony? Who did I leave off? Has my Kanye-love gone too far? Leave a comment.

    special thanks to Kim Rullo, for posing the question that led to the creation of this essay. Click that link and check out some of her work.

  • MHW Liveblogs the 2008 American Music Awards: Alicia Keys, Kanye & A Whole Lotta Jonas

    The American Music Awards are the “fun” awards. They’re the show that honors the boy bands and the less critically-acclaimed artists. Why? Because the fans vote, and that’s why Milli Vanilli (or at least the one who’s still alive) and C&C Music Factory have shelves filled with AMAs, while U2 has like2 or 3 of ’em. This show has a lengthy performance lineup. It’ll be interesting to see if they can actually squeeze some award giving into this show. It’ll be even more interesting if someone does a face plant like one of the Jonas Brothers did last year.

    8:00: Christina Aguilera opens the show. She’s singing live, unlike her lame VMA performance. She’s also pale as a sheet. Get thee to a tanning salon, Christina.

    8:02: “Sometimes I’m a super bitch!” They would’ve bleeped that back in the day on the AMAs…anyone remember when Slash and Duff dropped F bombs on live TV?

    8:03: Xtina has gone from “Beautiful” to “Keeps Getting Better” to “Genie in a Bottle” to “Dirrty”. Apparently she’s gonna perform her entire Greatest Hits album.

    Hey, where’s Redman? He couldn’t have possibly had anything else to do.

    8:07: Two brothers up front ain’t even clapping. Come on, fellas, give Christina some dap.

    8:08: Jimmy Kimmel is hosting, which I’m cool with as long as he doesn’t bring out his lame-ass girlfriend. He immediately drags out a Jay-Z/Beyonce joke, a Clay Aiken joke, and a Kanye-throwing-a-tantrum joke.

    8:10: Dave Archuleta is in the crowd. His dad is next to him. Belt and switch not shown.

    8:12: Jamie Foxx is presenting the award for Favorite Soul/R&B female. He cracks a circa-1999 independent women joke and then plugs his own album. Yawn. Nominees are Alicia Keys, Mary J. and Rihanna. My money is on A. Keys.

    8:13: Ri-Ri wins, and she’s wearing a tablecloth. Whassup with that Rihanna?

    8:15: NKOTB are on, and they’re getting the biggest screams of the night…20 years later!

    8:18: The New Kids bust out with the crotch grab. 20 years ago, that would have been a national outrage if anyone other than Michael Jackson had done that.

    Hey, I had to work an MJ reference in there somewhere.

    8:23: Incongruous pairing of the night: Paris Hilton and T-Pain. They’re presenting Favorite Pop Male. Nominees are Chris Brown, Kid Rock and Usher. I say the Kid takes this one.

    8:25: Chris Breezy wins this one. My prognosticating skills aren’t on point this year. I’ve still got time to change my luck.

    8:26: Scott Weiland is HIIIIIIIIIIIIGH….soooooo HIIIIIIIIGGGHHHHHHHH!!! He’s introducing Pink, performing “Sober”. Irony much?

    8:27: Pink is wearing a ball gown. She cleans up pretty good! Have I mentioned that I’m madly in love with Pink?

    Have I also mentioned that I have seen every act that’s performed at this show so far live in concert? Yes, I’m bragging.

    8:34: David Cook is presenting Taylor Swift. I’ve actually never heard this chick sing before. Could be interesting. Especially if she walks down and bitch slaps the Jonas kid who broke up with her in 27 seconds. I wonder if David is mad that Donnie Wahlberg stole his hairstyle.

    8:35: Her performance set looks like the lobby of the hotel I stayed in 2 weeks ago in Portland, ME. Does the AMA show have furnishings by Marriott?

    Taylor is very clearly looking at someone in the audience. Wonder who it is??? Wait, is she sobbing? Damn you, Jonas!!!

    8:38: Lance Bass is presenting the Award for country group: Brooks & Dunn, Rascal Flatts and SugarLand are the nominees. I go with SugarLand and this is going way too fast for me to make a Lance Bass joke, damn it.

    8:39: Rascal Flatts wins the award. The fat dude from Rascal Flatts kinda looks like Lance, if he ate Justin, JC, Joey and Chris.

    8:41: Ne-Yo pops up with a tux and a horn section. He’s taking this Rat Pack thing and running with it, no?

    Ne-Yo gets the second standing O of the night, although I’d have given the claps to the dancing chick who stretched her leg behind her head. Wait, that didn’t come out right.

    8:48: Wait. Didn’t Jimmy Kimmel used to be funny?

    8:49: Nickelback is presenting the Best Rap Album award. The three guys not Chad Kroeger are very happy to have face time. Jay-Z, Kanye and Lil’ Wayne are nominated. I go with Kanye. I was right!!!

    Have I mentioned that I FUCKING LOVE KANYE??? That was an excellent speech. Shut everybody the hell up, Kanye.

    8:52: Jesse McCartney (no relation to the Beatle) introduces Leona Lewis. I guess in this case, calling her “beige” has multiple meanings, eh?

    Shes pretty boring, but she’s performing from what looks like the old “Solid Gold” set. Looks like she dug up the Solid Gold dancers, too!

    8:55: This performance isn’t exactly gonna differentiate her from Mariah Carey. Just saying.

    9:01: The de-mulleted and soul patched Billy Ray Cyrus, introducing Miley on her 16th birthday. 2 more years and he can start legally whoring her out.

    9:02: All jokes aside, Miley’s singing live, and she’s not so bad. More than I can say for Britney, who I’ve seen sing live…never.

    I’m almost ashamed to say…I enjoyed that.

    9:04: Some random chick and David Archuleta are presenting Favorite Country Male: Garth Brooks, Brad Paisley and Kenny Chesney. Paisley’s in the audience, I say he wins. Ding! Got it right again.

    Either random chick is REALLY tall or Archuleta is like 3 foot 9.

    Have I mentioned Brad Paisley is smokin’ hot? He can play the fuck out of his guitar too.

    9:06: Miley Cyrus is blowing…out the candles on her birthday cake.

    9:11: Why is Chris Martin performing with a 25-year old Magnavox TV next to him?

    9:12: Confetti pours from the ceiling-always a crowd pleaser. Doesn’t take away from the fact that Chris is not only in very poor voice but he’s prancing around like a wanna-be Bono.

    Wait a second…

    9:15: Richie Sambora and Colbie Caillat are presenting Favorite Pop/Rock Album. Nominees are Alicia Keys, Coldplay and The Eagles. My money’s on The Eagles. Holy shit, A. Keys wins it. I’m wondering who’s gonna clean up all that confetti. Like clockwork, some guy with a broom sneaks out of the shadows.

    9:17: Alicia, what’s up with the bindi? Also, don’t act surprised. The long-standing rumor has been that the AMAs notify winners in advance so they’ll show up at the ceremony.

    9:23: After a fairly funny skit with Kimmel, RZA and Raekwon, Terrence Howard comes out to introduce Mariah Carey and give her a special award. Did we have to remind anyone that Terrence put a record out? Jamie Foxx he ain’t.

    9:24: Why are Mariah and Nick suddenly reminding me of Whitney and Bobby? Up next, Nick is gonna make a reality show and talk about how he pulled a doody bubble out of Mariah’s ass and Mariah’s gonna go “THAT’S LOVE! BLACK LOVE!!!”

    9:27: This is like watching paint dry. Is Mariah done singing yet? Whoa. She brings back some ancient Mariah screamin’ and hollerin’ to at least make the end interesting.

    9:28: Nick Lachey and Elliott from “Scrubs” are introducing the accountants and presenting the award for Favorite Country Female. Nominees are Reba McEntire, Taylor Swift and Carrie Underwood. I go with Carrie on this one. Nope, I’m changing my pick to Taylor Swift. Right on time, too! She wins!

    All the confetti has yet to be cleaned up from Coldplay’s performance.

    9:31: Here’s Daughtry presenting the award for Favorite Pop/Rock Female. The other 4 guys in Daughtry are grateful to hahve some face time. Mariah, Alicia and Rihanna are nominated. I go with Ri-Ri again…and I’m correct. See, after a slow start, I’ve figured it all out.

    9:38: I was totally not paying attention, but this chick is introducing The Fray, whom I love love love.

    What’s up with all the rock guys in poor voice tonight? At least Isaac Slade is cute. Chris Martin? Meh.

    9:42: Big Girl Jordin Sparks and mole-less Enrique are announcing Favorite Rap Male: Weezy, Yeezy and…Flo-Rida?? Kanye should win again. And he does.

    He gets a standing O. I’m down with that. And he gives his award to Lil’ Wayne. Selfless Kanye? Say it ain’t so.

    9:44: Ashley Tisdale is presenting Best New Artist. Nominees are Colbie Caillat, Flo_Rida, Jonas Brothers (who are gonna win), Paramore and The-Dream. The Jonases win. More beigeness ensues.

    9:47: The-Dream cracks a jook about wanting to strangle the Jonas Brothers (I don’t blame ya, bro) and introduces Beyonce, who’s performing “Single Ladies”.

    Someone gave that girl a lot of chicken and pancakes when she was growing up. God damn. Someone gave a double helping to that sista dancing with her, though. Now that’s some ass. Jonny Ice would definitely appreciate that one.

    9:50: Beyonce asks the single ladies to put their hands up. Queen Latifah, you lie! I bet your wife ain’t gonna give you none when you get home.

    Some white lady in the audience is trying to dance like Beyonce. Lawd lawd lawd. She gon’ break something.

    Beyonce gets a standing O. Any woman who can do that deserves more than a standing O.

    9:56: Akon and Julianne Hough are presenting Favorite R&B Album. Akon is plugging his album. Class. Alicia, Mariah and Mary J. are nominated. Alicia will win this…and she does. Damn, I’m good. Akon plugs his album again. Sigh.

    9:57: Alicia breaks out with the Flavor Flav “WOOOOOOOOOOOWWWW”.

    9:58: Demi Lovato comes out to introduce The Jonas Brothers. Face-plant, face-plant!!

    OK, it was more like a knee-plant. Whatever, shit was still funny.

    10:02: The Pussycat Dolls are now performing. Guess what I learned a little earlier? I learned how to pronounce Scherzinger!!!

    Speaking of Nicole, why is she wearing the boots from Michael’s “Rock with You” video? Two hours in and only two Michael Jackson references. I’m getting better!

    10:05: Are they saying “boobies” or “groupies”?

    10:12: It’s Justin Timberlake, y’all! And I was just singing “It’s Gonna Be Me” to myself!!

    10:15: Annie Lennox is receiving the Award of Merit. Best female blue-eyed soul singer of all time.

    …and “Why” is one of the best songs of the Nineties. Justin was right. Watch and learn.

    10:19: Annie just took everyone to school. Amazing. Standing O very well deserved.

    10:28: The personality-free Natasha Bedingfield is performing. I guess it’s time to take a piss.

    10:29: Wait, is she singing “Unwritten”? How OLD is that song?

    10:31: There is STILL confetti on the ground.

    10:32: Rihanna comes out to sing “Rehab” and I swear she looks more like Prince than ever before. Complete with studded eyepatch.

    10:34: Someone OD’ed on the smoke machine. Maybe they’re using it to cover up the confetti.

    10:39: Motley Crue presents Favorite Pop Group: Nominees are Coldplay, Daughtry and The Eagles. I say Daughtry wins this one.

    10:40: Mick Mars looks better than Scott Weiland. That’s sayin’ something.

    As predicted, Daughtry wins. Chris, thanks for showing me a bald guy can rock the thick chops.

    10:42: Is Kanye lip-synching? No, but he’s got a Daniel Boone coonskin thing hanging out o his jeans. Is that the new style or something?

    10:44: You know, I hate to say it, but Kanye’s not a terrible singer.

    10:46: Kanye is followed by…Sarah McLachlan? Now, THAT’s incongruous. Sarah is singing the 10-year old “Angel”. Why, exactly?

    10:47: Pink is singing with her. This is a nice touch. I would listen to Pink sing the bloody phone book.

    10:53: Steven Tyler and Joe Perry are presenting Artist of the Year. Alicia Keys, Chris Brown, Coldplay, The Eagles and Lil’ Wayne are nominated. I can’t call this one. Chris Breezy wins in a shocker! Teenage girls must’ve killed the voting. Do Chris and Rihanna have the same ugly neck tat?

    10:56: Alicia Keys is closing out the show with “Superwoman” with two “special guests”. The mind wanders…

    …can Alicia do ANY awards show performance without special guests?

    10:57: I think it’s time for Latifah to make another rap record.

    10:58: Kathleen Battle. Wow.

    I’ve got to give this show props. Just about every genre of music has been represented and the performances were tight as hell. The Grammys have to step their game up next year. We are signing off. Seacrest out! (sorry GG)