I, like everyone else, got sick of Matchbox 20 real fast. Hearing “Push†and “3 AM†at all hours of the day and night wore me to pieces. It got even worse when Rob paired up with Carlos Santana for “Smoothâ€, which won a bajillion Grammy Awards and was #1 for, like, a year. Then something happened.
Rob improved by leaps and bounds as a singer and a songwriter. Matchbox’s second and third albums were superior examples of pop songcraft, and Thomas started to sound…almost soulful. Then, inevitably, Thomas went solo. His debut album “…Something to Beâ€, had a few nice ballads, but his songwriting wasn’t always on the “A†game (it’s still worth getting if you can find it cheap). He returned to his band for a greatest hits album, and now he’s back for solo Round 2.
The new album’s called “Cradlesongâ€, it comes out June 30th, and if you hear Rob tell it, will have some sort of experimental flair to it. He mentioned Paul Simon’s “Rhythm of the Saints†as an influence, which made me shudder a little bit, but I think as long as he doesn’t lose his gift for melody, he’ll at least be worth checking out. Anyway, the first single is called “Her Diamondsâ€, and while it’s not “If You’re Gone†or “Bright Lights†or “Ever the Sameâ€, it’s still pretty decent. Check it out.
The year was 1987. I was in the 6th grade. A pimply geeky kid who was desperate to impress his friends but had no mack game.
Her name was Heather. She was sorta pimply and geeky too. And a little on the chunky side.
We were at the 6th grade dance. One slow jam had already passed (“You Got it All” by The Jets if I remember correctly), and I’d played the wall. I was determined to dance with someone.
Then it happened. Bon Jovi’s “Never Say Goodbye” came on. A power ballad to end all power ballads, this song served as my introduction to slow dancing. My friends practically pushed me into Heather, who asked “Wanna dance?” I shrugged and squeaked out a “Yeah, sure” and before you knew it, we were amongst the other couples in the school gym, moving back and forth to Bon Jovi singing about high school memories (which we were still a good three years away from) and a relationship that had lasted since then.
“Never Say Goodbye” SHOULD have been the fourth single from Bon Jovi’s behemoth “Slippery When Wet” album, but their label, Mercury, shrewdly withheld its’ release as a single, forcing the 3 teenage girls in America who hadn’t bought “Slippery” yet to buy it. I lived in Michigan at the time, but I came home to New York for Easter and for the summer, and I remember the radio playing the shit out of this and “Edge of a Broken Heart” (which was a song from the Fat Boys movie “Disorderlies”). It’s held up quite well over the years, and I’m sure holds a sentimental spot in the hearts of couples whose memories echo those that Jon sings about.
I wonder what happened to Heather, anyway. If she’s anything like most of my other girlfriends from junior high and high school, she’s probably a lesbian.
Because of Matty being saved last week, two folks will go home tonight. We’ll see if using the save on Matty will bite them in the rear as I think they had this week to use it if they hadn’t already.
David Archuleta performs tonight. Woohoo! Please, please, please sing Crush tonight. I mean, um, ya, David Archuleta sings tonight.
David Archuleta performs in MalaysiaPaula choreographed the contestants for the group song tonight. The woman can still move like nobody’s business.
They’re performing a one of my all time favorites, Shake Your Body Down To The Ground, and are trying to hit all the classic J5 moves. At least they tried. This was probably the most fun performance thus far. And all the dudes got to try their MJ falsetto.
Let’s dance, let’s shout (clap), shake your body down to the ground.
It’s time to get down to business. Lil Rounds isn’t showing off the badonkadonk like she was last night. Ryan sends her to the left side of the stage and just says that it’s the end of the road for her.
She performs I’m Every Woman again. Paula says that Lil Rounds should’ve sang like that last night. Randall says it’s just the beginning for her. Simon says he’s going to miss her family screaming every week. Kara’s boobs are exploding as she leans forward. I didn’t even hear what she said.
Freda Payne’s corpse is on stage singing Band Of Gold. I’m kidding. For someone in her mid-60’s, she looks pretty dang good. Her vocals were pretty shaky, but her moves were on point.
She introduced Thelma Houston who looks very much like the lady in the bright canary yellow dress that they made fun of from a couple seasons ago. But her vocals were strong.
I don’t know why I chuckled, but she introduced KC from KC & The Sunshine Band. Ok, now I know why I chuckled. He’s terrible. Where’s David Archuleta when you need him?
Let’s get back to the second elimination tonight. Kris and Adam are safe. Danny is also safe. Anoop is not.
Matty is safe and Allison is not. Ugh. This is why you keep the save. Allison is the second best contestant and doesn’t deserve to be hanging out with Anoop Doggy Dog.
It’s Archie time and he’s doing Touch My Hand. The last time I saw him was on iCarly. Shows you what kind of television I watch these days. American Idol and iCarly – where amazing happens.
I can’t even describe young Dave. When he came out, he looked like he’d been out on a 3 day drinking bender with Bo Bice. But then he came out smiling like he was at Disney Land for the first time. And then when he was done, he was completely out of breath. What a weird performance that was.
If Allison goes home tonight, I’m going Kanye on everyone.
This is bad, real bad Michael Jackson
Now I’m mad, real mad Joe Jackson
Thankfully, Anoopy is the one to go home. Allison lives to sing another day.
Tonight, Carrie Underwood is singing Anoop and Lil Rounds, home sweet home.
