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Pop Rock Nation

Category: Award Shows

Music-Awards

  • SonicClash Live-Blogs The 2009 MTV Video Music Awards

    Another year, another VMA ceremony. The hot mess of award shows has a long and interesting history-from Madonna’s performance in the wedding dress to Prince’s ass-less chaps to the Michael and Lisa Marie kiss and Britney’s disastrous “Gimme More” performance. Will this year’s show live up to the same standards? With performances from Beyonce, Jay-Z, Green Day, Muse and others, as well as a show-opening tribute to the King of Pop, it looks to be an exciting event.

    Beyonce and Lady GaGa lead the pack of nominees, with 9 each. Eminem and Kanye West are also among the major nominees. Who will turn out to be the evening’s big winner?

    Keep your eye on SonicClash for the next couple of hours, where I’ll be live-blogging the event (provided I don’t fall asleep or turn the TV off in a fit of anger). Feel free to add your comments to the proceedings. Enjoy the show!!

    *The show opens with Madonna, who thankfully has covered up her gross spider arms.

    *She delivers a touching speech tributing Michael Jackson. Funny, I thought there was no love lost between the two.

    *The camera pans to Jermaine Jackson in the audience. Sad that his brother had to die for him to get an invite to an awards show.

    *I wonder if Jermaine takes the excess oil from his hair and uses it on his shiny face or vice versa.

    *Lady GaGa is sitting behind Beyonce. I think I speak for everyone when I ask “what the hell is he/she wearing?”

    *A bunch of people I don’t know are imitating MJ’s best dance moves. The dude in front is trying to do the “Smooth Criminal” lean, but he hardly bends over. Fail.

    *Janet makes her entrance during “Scream”. Looks like she’s struggling to do those moves that were so effortless fifteen years ago. Ah well, if her dance moves fail her, she can always pull out her titty again.

    *Man, Janet Jackson titty jokes NEVER get old.

    *Katy Perry and Joe Perry are performing “We Will Rock You” together. Did someone say “those two have the same last name. Isn’t that cool? Let’s have them perform together!”? ‘Cause I see no other reason why those two should be on stage right now.

    *The deliriously unfunny Russell Brand is hosting for the second straight year. He’s also wearing too tight pants which reveal his terminal case of n’assatall.

    *He just called Jay-Z a handsome man. Those British people sure have weird taste.

    *Why is this guy hosting the show? If they wanted to get someone from “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”, couldn’t they have gotten Jason Segel? Mila Kunis? Jonah Hill? Paul Rudd????

    *Some guy I’ve never heard of before is presenting the award for Best Female Video with Shakira.

    *Remember the whole “breasts are small and humble” line from “Whenever, Wherever”? I see that now.

    *Taylor Swift steals the award from Beyonce and Mr. GaGa. Kanye (in an obviously scripted moment) shows up to protest. Dear Mr. West, you throwing hissy fits at awards shows stopped being funny like five years ago.

    *You’ll hate me for this, but I think “I Love College” is my favorite song released this year.

    *Tracy Morgan appears in a skit with Eminem. Shit, they should’ve had HIM host the show.

    *Jack Black and Leighton Meester (?) present the award for Favorite Rock Video. If there’s anyone in this world less funny than Russell Brand, it’s Jack Black. I’ve been giving him a free pass for years because of “High Fidelity”, but I think his time’s up.

    *Green Day wins the award for Best Rock Video. Was anyone other than me unmoved by “21st Century Breakdown”?

    *Um, here comes some Justin dude (not Timberlake) and some chick from “ICarly”. Did I accidentally sit on the remote and turn to the Teen Choice awards?

    *Taylor Swift is performing from the 42nd Street/Bryant Park subway station. The camera shows her upper body only bhe jecause they don’t want to give the rats scurrying at her feet any camera time.

    *She jumps on an F train, filled with a bunch of her fans singing along, hiding the smelly homeless guy masturbating in the corner.

    *The train goes from 42nd to 47/50 Rockefeller Center in one smooth movement, probably the first time in New York City subway history that’s ever happened.

    *Pete Wentz and the dude from Cobra Starship trade some unfunny banter before introducing Lady Penis.

    *GaGa has a surprisingly strong singing voice. Must be the testosterone.

    *You think he/she should have called her hit “Butter Face” instead of “Poker Face”?

    *The performance ends with her covered in fake blood suspended from the ceiling. Um, I don’t get it, either.

    *OK, I could be a funnier host than Russell Brand.

    *Nelly Furtado and Kristen what’shername from “Laguna Beach” are presenting the award for Best Pop Video. I’m definitely out of touch because I don’t know half the people who are presenting.

    *Nelly plugs her new album, “Mi Plan”. She’s been hanging around rappers too long.

    *Wisin Y Yandel are nominated along with Britney, Beyonce, Lady HeShe and Cobra Starship. Hmmm…which one doesn’t belong?

    *Britney wins. Looks like it’s gonna be a long night for Beyonce and GaGa.

    *Britney says “Omahgawd, y’all!! Thank y’all so much, y’all!”

    *Hmmm…this Megan Fox chick is kinda hot.

    *The camera finds J. Lo and Marc Anthony in the audience. They’ve been hiding here since the 1999 Video Music Awards.

    *Green Day’s performing. An F-bomb slips through the censors. And Billie Joe needs a haircut.

    *I just popped over to Facebook in time to see all the status updates slamming Kanye. If it wasn’t obvious to you that the whole bit was staged, I don’t know what to tell you. No wonder people think Americans are stupid.

    *Ne-Yo and some dude (I was in the other room) announce Beyonce, who’s probably a little pissed off that she hasn’t won anything yet.

    *She’s doing the “Single Ladies” routine with the same chicks from the video. You know, they say the black one is a tranny. There’s a Lady GaGa joke in there somewhere, but I’ll let you put it together.

    *If Jay-Z ever pisses her off during sex, I think all she might need to do is clench her hips together and she’ll rip his dick off. Watch your back, Hov.

    *Diddy is presenting an award with Meadow Soprano. Where’d they dig her up from?

    *They present the award for Best Male Video. Kanye gets booed. Y’all so crazy.

    *T.I. wins and there’s no videotaped acceptance speech. I guess no one stuck a camera inside the cake when they went to visit him in jail.

    *Who’s the British guy who looks like Brandon Flowers?

    *Muse is performing their new song, which is good and all…but is it me or does it sound like “Womanizer”?

    *There’s a reason I didn’t say anything about Solange performing Kings of Leon’s “Use Somebody”…

    *Jenny from the Block is presenting the Best Hip-Hop Video award.

    *Eminem wins for regurgitating the same video he’s made 7 times before. Yawn.

    *He dedicates the award to Proof and calls him “doodie” (“dudey”?). Um…you know what? I better not say anything. I don’t want Eminem to make a dis record about me.

    *Russell Brand is really toned down on this award show. One of the Jonas Brothers must have beat his ass after last year.

    *Eminem and Tracy Morgan are announcing Best New Artist. I can’t wait for the new season of “30 Rock”.

    *Asher Roth has the jungle fever. Who knew?

    *Lady GaGa wins the award and it’s wearing a…a…I don’t even know what the hell this is.

    *Eminem looks REALLY uncomfortable.

    *Perez Hilton is applauding in the audience. People like him are the reason that homophobes exist.

    *GaGa takes her mask contraption off. PUT IT BACK ON!!!!

    *She dedicates the award to God and the gays. Somewhere, a fundamentalist Christian organization is scheduling a Lady GaGa album burning.

    *Serena Williams is announcing the next performer. Am I the only one who thinks they should have had her and Kanye present an award together?

    *Pink is doing a trapeze act. I’m afraid of heights. I can’t watch.

    *She has a pink heart over her titty. When all else fails at the MTV Awards, there’s always at least one breast-related moment.

    *Wale and Kid Cudi give me hope that 2009 will end on a strong note for hip-hop.

    *Jimmy Fallon and Andy Samberg are presenting the video of the year award. Unfortunately, Fallon is not in his Barry Gibb outfit and Samberg doesn’t have a box around his waist.

    *Wow, Fallon made a joke and didn’t laugh at himself. I didn’t know that was possible!

    *They just made a Boyz II Men joke…I’m pretty sure most of the audience didn’t get that one.

    *Beyonce wins Video of the Year and brings Taylor Swift out. Now do you believe that whole thing was scripted?

    *Lady GaGa has changed outfits again. Now it looks like she’s wearing a coconut donut on her head.

    *Jiggaman is closing the show. I must admit, I liked “Blueprint 3” WAY more than I thought I was going to.

    *Um, sounds like Mr. Carter has laryngitis?

    *Alicia Keys walked away from the piano and it’s still playing. Huh?

    *Does Ms. Keys have to sing on every song a rapper makes about New York? Or is Jay swagger-jacking Nas? (see “Streets of New York” by Alicia Keys feat. Nas and Rakim).

    *Who was that random chick on stage at the end? Looked like Lil’ Mama. If that was, indeed, her, then why?

    *I’m sorry. The sight of Joe Jackson, who is clearly remorseless about his son’s death, makes my skin crawl.

    *However, this rehearsal footage looks damn good. If I can move like that at the age of 50 with massive amounts of drugs coursing through my body, I’ll be a happy man.

    *A fairly uneventful show is over. Now I think I’m gonna go out and have a coconut donut.

  • 2009 BET Awards Play By Play

    jamiefoxxMoney Mike usually live blogs the BET Awards, but with the passing of Michael Jackson, he’s not in the mood to try and be fun. Thus, I’m taking the reigns for him this year. Being on the West Coast, I can’t blog it live, but I’ll give you my own play by play.

    The show opens with footage from a previous BET Awards where Michael Jackson and James Brown were on stage together.

    – New Edition opens the show with their Jackson 5 tribute. They even busted out the Stop The Love You Save! dance. I’ll give them an A for effort. My friend asked me which one was Bobby Brown, and I immediately said, “The fat one.” Bobby’s definitely eating good these days.

    – Jamie Foxx is hosting and he came out in the red leather jacket and the 3 inches too short slacks. He tried to do some MJ dancing, but he must not have had time to practice. He did much better with his broham Braxton on “The Jamie Foxx Show”.

    – Tyra Banks walked down the stage in some heels that made her look like she could post up Shaq. After giving out the “Best Male Hip-Hop Artist” award to Lil’ Wayne, she had to get on her knees just to give him a hug.

    – You know, people are ready to give Usher the torch as the next closest thing to MJ, but I think you may have to look at my boy Ne-Yo. His vocals are far more similar to MJ’s. If only he didn’t look more like a young Samuel L. Jackson.

    – Sorry y’all, brother has a head that was made for hats. I heard that Barry Bonds looked at Ne-Yo and said, “Damn, he has a big ass head.”

    – (He tore up Lady In My Life.)

    – They showed Joseph Jackson in the crowd and all I could think of was, “Joe stop beatin’ the kids.” Damn that Jackson’s American Family movie.

    – I’m going to guess that Kanye West’s girl was a big headed baby. She also has a head that was made for hats. If she and Ne-Yo had a baby, they’d test that kid for HGH out of the womb.

    – Jamie Foxx is singing Blame It and all of a sudden and for no reason whatsoever, Snoop Dogg joined him. I don’t think anyone Snoop hangs out with blames it on the alcohol. They blame it on something else. Also, I wonder if T-Pain knows that you can’t kick in judo. I guess he couldn’t find anything to rhyme with karate.

    – Does anyone really care about what Tiny and Toya are doing these days? I mean, it sucks that y’all got kicked out of Destiny’s Child, but you probably deserved it. Be happy that Beyonce’s daddy just kicked you out of the group. If Joe Jackson was your manager, he would’ve told you to get a switch off the tree and take it like a man.

    – In Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em’s song, he sings, “I gotta question, why they hatin’ on me?” Well, I gotta answer for you bruh. You’re terrible.

    – Here’s a quote from T-Pain: “He pretty much said everybody I was gonna say.” That dude can mangle some English.

    – Ne-Yo won for “Best Male R&B Artist”. If you haven’t heard Year Of The Gentleman, go get that record. It was my favorite record of 2008.

    245404723_c43d075972– Beyonce’s on the stage singing Ave Maria. I’m trying to decide if she’s supplanted Trish Stratus as the number one girl on my list. I think the only thing that stops her from being number one is that I know in 10 years, that junk in her trunk might become junk in a caboose.

    – Ok, I made a mistake. Tiny and Toya aren’t former Destiny’s Child members. I must’ve had something in my eye when I mistook them the first time. They’re former hook-ups of TI and Lil’ Wayne. Yep, these days that’s all it takes to get your own reality show. If Florida Evans was still alive, she’d say, “Damn, damn, damn!”

    – Jamie introduced a skit for a fake movie with he and Martin Lawrence starring as Shenehneh and Wanda as bank robbers. What does it say about me that I would see that on the first day it came out?

    – When artists say that they didn’t prepare a speech because they didn’t expect to win, I just want to go oops upside their head. How long can it take to put together five names that you want to remember? Or is it just cool to act humble, yet unprepared?

    – Ok, I’m not gonna lie. It still hasn’t hit me that MJ is gone. This just seems like every other kind of BET Awards show where people give MJ props.

    – For some reason, Keith Sweat is on the stage. Keith looks really exceptionally good for being 100 years old.

    – It must be New Jack Swing night as Guy just stepped on the stage. My man Aaron Hall can still bring it.

    – Now it’s BBD’s turn. They’re performing Poison. That used to be my go to song when I was 14 until my dad told me that it probably wasn’t a good idea to sing the lyric, “Me and the crew used to do her,” out loud.

    – I do follow their advice until this day though. Never trust a big butt and a smile.

    – Was that Ciara singing Heal The World? The dude did a pretty good job.

    – Beyonce is up for “Best Female R&B Artist” against the likes of Jennifer Hudson, Keyshia Coles, Jazmine Sullivan, and Keri Hilson. When she wins, she better not say that she didn’t have anything prepared. She should’ve started writing her speech the second the nominations were announced.

    – I wonder if when Jay-Z starts with, “This is death of Autotune, a moment of silence,” T-Pain and everyone he’s currently working with just start shedding tears.

    – Day26 introduced Don Cornelius and Q got through the intro without saying, “This is real talk,” or popping all the veins in his neck.

    – Don just said that Joe Jackson was one of his heroes. There are about 5,000 jokes to be written on that line alone and I’m not touching it.

    – Holy (choose your favorite curse word here)! Tevin Campbell is on stage for the O’Jays tribute. That dude needs a comeback record like yesterday.

    – Tyrese is also out singing in the tribute and he didn’t randomly insert the words, “LA Lakers” into the lyrics. Nice job Tyrese.

    – Tiny is accepting an award for TI. This is the only reason I’m thankful that this show isn’t in HD. She’s not a handsome woman.

    – Janet Jackson is a brave woman for being on this show tonight.

    – Now it’s time for the MJ tribute. I’m all for Jamie singing I’ll Be There, but couldn’t they have brought out Mariah for this one?

    I hope I was able to play it off well enough. As tough as it was to watch all these tribute performances, it was still fun to see everyone big up Mike.

    I’m not sure there’d be a BET if not for Michael Jackson. Peace!

    Photo of Jamie Foxx by Rafael Amado Deras and shared via creative commons

    Photo of Beyonce by Osei and shared via creative commons

  • Bret Michaels Eats it at the Tony Awards

    Let’s face it, it’s funny when people fall.

    Poison was performing their 1988 hit single “Nothin’ But a Good Time” (featured in the show “Rock of Ages” on the Tony Awards last night (10 years ago, who would have thought you’d see Poison on the TONYs of all places?), when lead singer Bret Michaels “missed his mark” and wound up having an unfortunate encounter with a set piece. Bret allegedly suffered an injury, although no one would specify what the injuries were (a very bruised ego, perhaps?).

    I’m stunned that he was able to take that blow to the head and his wig didn’t come off. That must be one tight-ass hairpiece.

    Which award show fall was better? Bret’s last night or Joe Jonas eating the floor at the 2007 American Music Awards?