I have to share with you a very sad experience. Last night, after I came home from work, I turned on my TV and noticed that I had no cable signal. I looked on the DVR for my saved programs and there was something missing. There was no recording of Tuesday’s American Idol broadcast. Thus, it broke my streak of blogging every single show for my personal website since the start of season two. My oldest son was two years old when I started blogging the show. He’s now ten.I felt empty inside. What was I to do? It’s not like I could go to iTunes and download the show to watch. They let you download the performances, but not the entire show. And why does that even make sense? I felt lost. It was like something was taken away from me. I felt like Nick Lachey after he divorced Jessica Simpson. What was really left of me?
And I get home today and predictably, the cable is still out. So I had to sneak into the house of my ex-wife while everyone is sleeping to blog tonight’s show for you. That’s how hardcore I am. Oh yeah, and Charter Communications can go run in front of the BART train that also made me late today.
Tonight is Idol Gives Back which is the charity driven show that they put on every two years. It’s also cut down day to the final seven. Since I didn’t see Tuesday’s show, I really have no idea who did well and who didn’t. But based on the previous weeks, my guess is that not many people did well. In fact, I’d bet that Crystal was the best and everyone else was below her and not close. It’s Crystal and the pretenders.
On with the show…
Ryno immediately throws the show to the Obamas. You know you’re big time when you can just throw it to the President of the United States. Is it just me or do the President and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson have similar cadence when they talk. I’m not saying the Pres stole from The Rock, but I guaran-damn-tee you that he’s seen a Rock promo before and might’ve swagger jacked the Rock a bit.
I’m donating tonight by buying some songs on iTunes.
Ryno throws it to Queen Latifah who is hosting the live performances in Pasadena. First Ryno throws it to the Pres and then he throws it to the Queen. That’s a U-N-I-T-Y.
Hey, they let Andrew and Paige Miles back in the building. Is that Didi Benami? I forget Minnie Mouse’s name.
Jen Garner, aka Mrs. Ben Affleck is the first celeb to show us who we’re giving back to tonight. Obviously, I’m not going to joke about this part of the show because it really is a great idea. But you better believe that when The Black Eyed Peas come on the stage, I’m making Fergie jokes up the wazoo.
Hey, the original creepy AI contestant, Constantine is on screen. Oh, no, that’s Russell Brand. I think we should have a skinny contest between Victoria Beckham, Russell Brand, and Carrie Underwood. Loser has to eat a hamburger.
The Black Eyed Peas are performing on Latifah’s stage. My best friend Fergie Ferg is actually looking halfway decent tonight. Well, halfway decent for someone with a face that resembles a baby pony. You have to give it to her on her body though. Like she once said, she works on her fitness. Too bad we can’t give her any exercises for her face.
Ryno just introduced George Lopez. He’s judging the judges. He calls Randy, Lionel Pitchie. Since he’s the only brother on the show, he’s safe.
He calls Kara, Karla DiGuido. Since she posed naked for a magazine, she’s safe.
It’s Ellen’s turn. She’s the Kourtney Kardashian of the crew. Whatever that means. And she’s safe.
He asks Simon, “Saline or silicone?” Simon’s safe because of the volcanic ash that keeps people from traveling. Ok, that bit didn’t work at all. I love me some George, but he forgot to say, “Sabes que,” at least once. Tonight, he wasn’t a Mexican, he was a Mexican’t.
It’s time to put someone in the bottom three. Ryno asks Crystal and Casey to join him in the center of the stage. Ryno says one of the two of them was in the bottom three. Casey might as well just walk over there now. Yep, he’s in the bottom three.
Aaron and Lee are now in the center. Ed Grimley Jr. sang I Believe I Can Fly last night? Man, I was going to call that one. One of the two are in the bottom three. Lee DeWeed is safe. The youngling is in the bottom three.
Back to the Queen’s side of things, Jeff Beck and Joss Stone are performing I Put A Spell On You. I wonder if Raphael Saadiq is around anywhere. I think Joss Stone is trying to become the American Idol. Someone needs to tell her she’s not being judged and doesn’t have to try to impress Simon so hard.
Hey, David Arquette was in the audience. I might’ve been the only person to recognize him. I guess the former WCW champion isn’t big enough to be part of the show.
Big Morgan Freeman and Randy Jackson spent sometime in Mississippi and they want to save the children.It’s Alicia Keys time. I don’t care what anyone says. Alicia is fine. She does get minus points for breaking up Swizz Beatz’s marriage though. Hey, I guess no one’s perfect. We’ll see a terrible case of noassatall soon with Carrie Underwood, but Alicia absolutely doesn’t have that problem. Even though they’re in LA, she decides to perform her version of Empire State Of Mind.
Hey, Carrie came on stage earlier than I thought. Luckily for us, she’s wearing a dress that isn’t hugging her hips and backside. If Alicia Keys has junk in the trunk, Carrie’s trunk is empty. Can’t even fit a cooler back there. Carrie’s singing Change. I think I’ll buy this performance as part of my donation tonight.
Oh, that’s why David Arquette was in the front row. He and Ellen were shown at a food bank. I’ve worked in a kitchen in which we helped to feed people in San Francisco before. I can vouch that it’s a great way to give back. I’m just bummed that David Arquette isn’t wearing his WCW championship belt while helping put the food together.
I love me some Elliott Yamin. He’s my favorite Idol contestant ever. But why does he wear the Rocky IV beard from when Rocky ran the mountains in Russia? It’s not a good look man.
Back to the results, Ryno asks creepy girl, Big Mike, and Big Time Timmy Jim to join him in the middle of the stage. Creepy girl gets to go back and sit down. Big Mike is also safe and Teflon Timothy is back in the bottom three.
The stories that really get to me are the ones where the poor kids are born with HIV and get full blow AIDS as children. Annie Lennox was supposed to perform live, but because of the volcano, she’s not there live. Instead, she performed via video with a shirt that said, “HIV POSITIVE”.
Mary J. Blige, Orianthi, Randy Jackson, and some other folks whose names I didn’t catch are performing Stairway To Heaven. I think I’ll buy this one too. I also see Travis Barker playing the drums. No one told him about the dress code. I’ve dressed nicer while taking out the garbage in the morning.
Elton John is performing and unfortunately for probably only just me, he’s not singing Measure Of A Man. That’s my favorite Elton song. I may know only one other person who also counts that as his favorite Elton song.
You’re out of time, your out of place, look at your face, it’s the measure of a man!
It’s time to eliminate a sad young man. Ryno first sends Ed Grimley Jr. back to safety so it’s Casey and Timothy who are left.
And it’s young Timothy who leaves us. Well, it’s only about 14 weeks too late.
I’m going to buy some songs on iTunes for Idol Gives Back. But, Timothy’s going to have to leave right now.
Photo of Alicia Keys shared through Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic
Photo of Nick Lachey shared through Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic