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Tag: The Beatles

  • You Can Polish an Apple, But You Can’t Polish a Turd: 13 Crappy or at Least Mediocre Beatles Songs

    You Can Polish an Apple, But You Can’t Polish a Turd: 13 Crappy or at Least Mediocre Beatles Songs

    Yesterday, Strawberry Fields Forever, Come Together, Something, Let it Be – songs like these ensure The Beatles legacy as the greatest band ever.

    But what about the other songs – the ones that history would overlook if they hadn’t been recorded by the gods?

    Abbey Road by M. Caimary
    Abbey Road with no Beatles on it

    13 Crappy or at Least Mediocre Beatles Songs or…You Can Polish an Apple But You Can’t Polish a TurdLet’s go over the criteria first. Only songs that were widely-known during the Beatles era (ending 12/31/70) are eligible.  That excludes “Anthology” plus Star Club and BBC recordings because they were released later. (Some BBC material was circulating in the UK, but its existence was not widely known.) Songs by The Beatles will be included even if not all Beatles play on the song but we will exclude solo releases and guest sessions. We will also exclude George Martin’s instrumentals and anything else not definitely by the Beatles, such as mis-attributed Tony Sheridan recordings and fakes like Have You Heard The Word.

    And I Love Her (1964)  George Martin barely had to change the arrangement to record his cheesy instrumental version for the US .  ‘Nuff said.

    Two of Us (1969) I can’t imagine why Phil Spector chose to kick off “Let It Be” with this dismal song.  Maybe it was to make Dig a Pony sound better. It lacks that special sonic something most Beatles records have. One reason is because nobody is playing bass. (George plays bass lines on a guitar.) Even with three guitars, the most interesting thing anybody plays is that lick at the beginning. We get this from the guys who came up with the bang that opens A Hard Day’s Night?

    The lyrics are mostly meaningless. We are doing something together, but what? And why? The nonsense lyrics in I Am The Walrus and even Glass Onion work because the imagery is so strong. It’s like John just didn’t try on this one. Paul sings in his fake cheery mode. John sounds like he just got up and George can’t even be bothered to sing. Overall, it sounds like they never really figured out what to do with this song.  Too bad they didn’t have anything else ready.

    Dig A Pony (1969)  The riff is sluggish but not heavy, and syncopated but not funky. We get more half-assed Lennon-doing-Carroll lyrics with a mediocre lead vocal. Nice guitar solo, though.


    Mr. Moonlight (1964) Easy target. This song alternates with Revolution  (which isn’t on this list) for the top spot in any worst-Beatle-song fan poll. It has uninspired vocal arrangements, cornball lyrics and an organ solo only Walter Wanderly could love.

    The Long and Winding Road (1969)-Even without Phil Spector’s oft-criticized orchestration, it’s a very sappy song. It’s too long and boring the way the Beatles played it.  The Wings Over America version is better, but we wouldn’t have known that in 1970

    Her Majesty(1969)-Funny and cute, to be sure, but it totally spoils what they were building over the previous twenty minutes. People pretend it doesn’t exist when they say that “and in the end/the love you take/is equal to the love you make” was the last lyric on the last song on the last Beatles album. Come to think of it, they pretend that Let It Be doesn’t exist either.

    P.S. I Love You (1962)-It’s got a lousy beat and you can’t dance to it. It’s not his drumming.

    What Goes On (1965)-Horribly boring drumming from an otherwise exciting drummer. Blame Ringo. Not only does he drum here, he wrote the song.

    The Ballad Of John and Yoko (1969)-Yoko may have inspired John, but not the day he wrote and found Paul to record this song. It’s just lame rock and roll cliche without anything special.

    Baby’s In Black (1964)- Hack songwriting. They never found a good arrangement for the song. You can tell by the plodding waltz beat that the rhythm section had no idea what to do. We would have heard them butcher this on the 1965 tour.

    Matchbox (1964)- Obviously it was time to record a contribution from Ringo. They had nothing ready so they pulled out one of their old live songs. Matchbox’s lyrics are seemingly pulled at random from blues songs. The melody is boring but I guess Ringo could sing it, so it was good enough. It’s too bad, because we could have had another Boys instead.

    Chains (1962)- This is just a boring girl-group number. The Beatles were capable of great harmonies but they stuck with tried-and-true block harmonies here.

    There’s A Place (1962)- Like “P.S. I Love You”, this song is just too much like other pop songs of 1962.

    Did you notice a pattern? Most of these songs were recorded during three transitional periods of the Beatles’ career. They were at their worst right before they were at their best. The first transitional period was when they were beginning to record in 1962. Their songwriting skills were still immature and George Martin hadn’t figured out what was special about them. They had yet to prove that they – or any rock and roll band – deserved much time in the studio. It didn’t take long for the Beatles to get the hang of things.  She Loves You was right around the corner.

    Their next challenging period was in late 1964, while they were working on “Beatles For Sale”, “Beatles” and “Beatles VI”, (depending on where/when you grew up). They were exhausted after two years of Beatlemania and four years on the road. They didn’t have enough time to write songs. Recording sessions were rushed, snuck in between gigs. They took a vacation, grew up a little and gave us “Rubber Soul”.

    Finally, we get to depressing 1969 and the Let it Be debacle. Paul was the only Beatle interested in being a Beatle, so the quality suffered. John was strung out and contributed little of value, other than the excellent Don’t Get Me Down. George had some great songs, but John and Paul weren’t very interested. Ringo was there, but how much help was he going to be? Soon after, the Beatles reconvened for their last gasp and best album, Abbey Road.

    By 1970, they had gone their separate ways and over the next four years, they treated us to a fantastic array of solo albums: “Plastic Ono Band”, “All Things Must Pass”, “Imagine”, “Ram”, “Living In The Material World”, “Band On The Run”, “Ringo”, and others that are excellent in spots. Like everyone else, the Beatles sometimes sucked. One of the reasons they were so great was that they could pick themselves up, turn the corner, and be awesome once more.

  • The Sunday Seven: Talkin’ Loud & Saying Nothing

    Hey Mikey. Sorry I deleted your comment. Oops!! (he mentioned “I Can’t Drive 55” by Sammy Hagar as one of the other courtroom videos from the mid-Eighties. See, man? I’m giving you your props.)

    It’s been…hmmm…about two weeks since I last bought a CD, which is fairly major stuff for me. I went record shopping in Cambridge yesterday, though, although I was tempted to break my streak and buy Eddie Murphy’s “So Happy” on CD (which would actually give me the entire Eddie Murphy non-comedy collection on compact disc…yes, I’m lame), I ended up picking up a few records, including Talking Heads’ “Fear of Music” (which only cost $1 and I already own on CD, but the dualdisc won’t burn onto my computer), LaBelle’s “Chameleon”, Spandau Ballet’s “Greatest Hits” (because I misplaced the CD), and this little gem.

    I’ve seen pictures of Mike Sembello performing “Maniac” on TV, and he looks like this burly, heavy-set dude. So why the hell did he decide to come out with what might be the gayest album cover in history? Beats me.

    Anyway, the current tally on the iPod is currently over 17K. Let’s get right down to bidness.

    Track One: “Say You Want it All” by Amel Larrieux

    Those of you not familiar with the name may remember Amel Larrieux as the voice behind the R&B duo Groove Theory, who had a Top 10 hit in 1995 with “Tell Me”. I’m surprised it wasn’t a bigger national hit because they played the shit out of it in New York City. Anyhow, she only made that one album with GT partner Bryce Wilson before going solo. To date, she’s released three pretty good albums of new material in addition to one collection of standards that I really haven’t devoted a lot of time to. This song is pretty standard midtempo neo-soul, with the addition of a peppy horn section, and it comes from her second solo album “Bravebird”. If you cross Sade with Erykah Badu, you’d have a pretty good idea of what Amel sounds like. Good stuff.

    Track 2: “Talkin’ Loud and Sayin’ Nothing” by James Brown

    Can’t go wrong with The Godfather, who was also the master of catchprases. “Say it Loud-I’m Black & I’m Proud”, “Papa’s Got a Brand New Bag”, that line “I don’t know karate, but I know ka-razy!!” from “The Payback”. We miss you JB. Hmmm…I wonder if we can find that Eddie Murphy “singers” skit on YouTube. Well, I’ll be…

    Track Three: “Better Days” by JOE

    R&B singer Joe Thomas, who until recently used only his first name professionally, has actually been in the news recently. Apparently, he’s been accusing his former labelmate R. Kelly of sabotaging his career by calling radio stations and telling him not to play Joe’s songs for fear that Joe would take some shine away from him. While I wouldn’t put that past Kells, didn’t he give Joe two of his “Loveland” leftovers for one of his albums? Wouldn’t that almost be self-sabotage, then? Regardless, Joe, despite being somewhat inconsistent, overall is a much better listen than Kelly, capable of writing songs that are nuanced and melodic. This is the title track from his somber 2001 album, which took some inspiration from the 9/11 tragedies. It’s a pleasant midtempo song with an uplifting message, and it also starts with a quote from The Five Stairsteps’ “Ooh Child”, adding to the song’s optimistic feel.

    Track 4: “Territorial Pissings” by Nirvana

    And now for a COMPLETE change of pace, let’s go with one of the most frenetic offerings from “Nevermind”. Two things come to mind when playing this song. One is, did Nirvana really kick-start the whole alterna-rock changing of the guard, or did R.E.M. do it six months earlier with “Out of Time”? Second, this song opens with a sarcastically sung snatch (ooh! alliteration) of The Youngbloods’ “Get Together”, making it the second straight song (ooh! alliteration) played that references another song in it.


    Track 5: “Selena” by Wyclef Jean feat. Melissa Jimenez

    True story: Wyclef Jean’s “Carnival 2: Memoirs of an Immigrant” is actually good (much better than you’d expect from ‘Clef after a trio of solo records that went from OK to terrible to OMIGOD this sucks!). Unfortunately, this belated tribute to the Tejano superstar is…oh, about 13 years too late and is one of the weaker songs on the album. I think I’ll be unchecking this. Actually, there’s a pretty neat breakdown in the middle of the song that elevates it to average status. I won’t be unchecking it, but it’s still one of the weaker tracks. Still, check the album out. You might be surprised. Who else can get Paul Simon on a rap record?

    Track 6: “Tell Me What You See” by The Beatles

    This is definitely one of the more incidental songs on the “Help!” soundtrack, although even incidental Beatles songs are pretty good. Some interesting organ playing on this (shades of “Louie Louie”!) and some pretty harmonies too.

    Track 7: “Sulky Guy” by Elvis Costello

    The man who was originally Declan MacManus ranks as my favorite Elvis (hell, if I had that name, I’d change it too), and while I can’t place what album this song may have originally come from (I burned it from a compilation), it sounds late Eighties/early Nineties, right in line with songs like “Handle With Care” by Traveling Wilburys (only slightly messier and garage-y) or “My Brave Face” by Paul McCartney (a song that Costello co-wrote). My two questions of the evening to close this edition of the Sunday Seven out.

    1) How in the name of Jeebus did Elvis Costello snag Diana Krall? That’s almost as bad as Janet Jackson and Jermaine Dupri!

    2) If Lenny Kravitz and Elvis Costello did a duet, would you be able to tell who was singing what??

    …and that’s all folks! Till next week!!

  • Yahoo! Presents The Top 20 Albums of All Time…For Real!

    Yahoo!’s music coverage generally leaves a lot to be desired. Their writers are unnaturally obnoxious (even for music crit-types), and they are in the unfortunate position one of my least favorite music writers as one of their main contributors (and because I have a job to protect, I won’t mention his name in public. Besides, he’s not worth it). However, this list of the Top 20 albums of all time was pretty interesting, and I kind of like the method by which this list was created.

    Of course, everyone and their mother can make a list and call it “The Top 20 Albums of All Time” (hey, anyone been reading my list of the 105 Greatest Singles of the Eighties??), but the list compiled by Robert of the Radish (dude, you couldn’t think of a better name) is certainly one of the most scientific lists of this kind.

    Robert took personal opinion out of the equation completely, instead basing his list on several factors: critical acclaim, actual sales figures, Grammy award love (probably the weakest part of his argument, considering that there have been several bands universally acknowledged as the best at what they do that have never won a Grammy…Led Zeppelin and The Who among them, although it doesn’t look like that affected Led Zep too much), and the most interesting component to my eyes, staying power as judged by the average price and availability of used copies of the CD. I found this interesting mainly because I frequent more than my share of used record stores. I’ve shopped for used music in at least five states, and I can say with some authority that there are certain popular titles that you will see in abundance in just about every used record store in America (he mentions Hootie & The Blowfish’s “Cracked Rear View”. I’ll see him and raise him one Matchbox 20’s “Yourself or Someone Like You”, thank you very much), and some that you never see anywhere (ever seen a Beatles studio non-compilation album in a used record store for less than 8 or 9 bucks, if at all? Don’t think so).

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