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  • Shoulda Been a Hit: “I Could Never Take the Place of Your Man”

    jordanCovering a Prince song is a dicey proposition. Not only with the man himself, as he’s not terribly fond of others recording his music, but…how can you outdo Prince? A couple of artists have gotten it right. Chaka Khan’s “I Feel for You” is better than the original, as was Sinead O’ Connor’s take on “Nothing Compares 2 U”, which he wrote for The Family back in ’85. That said, for every “When You Were Mine” by Cyndi Lauper, there’s a “When Doves Cry” by Ginuwine (ugh) or “Purple Rain” by LeAnn Rimes (double ugh…and yes, LeAnn Rimes re-recorded “Purple Rain”. Go listen if you think you have the stomach for it).

    So, the last thing you’d imagine would be a credible Prince cover by a former New Kid on the Block, right?

    “I Could Never Take the Place of Your Man” was one of my favorite songs from Prince’s magnum opus, “Sign ‘O the Times”. It’s a near-perfect slice of pop-rock with an interesting narrative and some fantastic guitar playing (although it’s kind of buried in the mix). It’s deceptively peppy, considering the subject matter (Prince meets unhappy girl at a bar, girl falls in love, Prince says hey, I’m good for a quickie but I’m not the type that’ll stick around forever). Knight’s version (which you can find on his 1999 solo debut-I believe it’s out of print but you can find copies cheap online) completely recasts the song as a sorrowful ballad, bringing out the heartbreak of the lyrics. It’s a pretty ballsy move, but it works. It’s also helpful that Jordan doesn’t try to oversell the song, instead letting the story unfold without adding any extra drama to an already dramatic scenario.

    Somehow, despite the fact that it was the follow-up to a Top 10, Platinum single (“Give it to You”), “I Could Never Take the Place of Your Man” didn’t chart. Perhaps the stigma of being an ex-NKOTB prevented the song from doing so (it certainly prevented a lot of people from taking the album seriously, which is a bad move, because the album is a satisfying slice of blue-eyed soul that beats the pants off of both Justin Timberlake albums and stands head to head with all three Robin Thicke albums…probably because Thicke co-wrote and co-produced almost this entire album), but this is one that definitely should have been a bigger hit than it was.

    I’d love to post Prince’s original, but I might get drawn and quartered by the man himself if I do. Besides, if a copy of “Sign O’ the Times” isn’t in your record collection, you should be ashamed of yourself. However, here’s the video of Jordan’s version. Turn your volume up.


    I could never take the place of your man • Jordan Knight – Jordan Knight

  • FORTY-FIVE REVOLUTIONS PER MINUTE #30: Jackboots & Kilt

    Napoleon XIV's 1966 novelty hit, "They're Coming To Take Me Away, Ha-Haa!"

    NAPOLEON XIV  “They’re Coming To Take Me Away, Ha-Haa!”  b/w “Photogenic, Schizophrenic You” (Eric Records #195, early-’80’s reissue.  Originally released on Warner Bros. #5831, Summer 1966)

    When it comes to artistic integrity, few social groups get maligned as much as the mentally challenged.  Even in this enlightened era of advanced education, when extensive research is being done to comprehend such phenomena as autism, terms like “outsider” still separate the layers of our ability to understand the deeper workings of the human brain.  Probably out of fear.  Fear of discovering that, one way or another, we are all outsiders.

    Early rock performers like Little Richard and Jerry Lee Lewis clearly understood the minds of the mentally challenged.  They knew that there was a little bit of crazy in all of us, that it wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, and that all we had to do was just open up and let it out.  Few later rockers understood this better than The Cramps’ late leader, Lux Interior, whose pure joy in performing for mental patients is chronicled in the stunning Live At Napa State Mental Hospital DVD.  “Finally!” you can imagine the patients thinking as they jump around to the band’s pounding, distorted rockabilly, “Music for ME!  Music that speaks to ME!”

    "...to the funny farm..."

    Back in the Summer of ’66, one record ratcheted up the insanity to previously unprecedented levels when 28-year-old New Yorker Jerry Samuels (under the nom-de-straitjacket, Napoleon XIV) recorded a totally batshit spoken-word ode to a misbehaving, runaway pup.  Released on Warner Bros., it sped to the top of the charts thanks to tons of airplay and just plain utter “gotta-hear-it-to-believe-it” ridiculousness.  Behold the psycho-chaotic masterpiece of marching-band drums, helium vocals and ambulance sirens that is, “They’re Coming To Take Me Away, Ha-Haa!”

    Play \”They\’re Coming To Take Me Away, Ha-Haa!\” by Napoleon XIV

    Not psychotic enough for ya?  Check out the B-side of the original Warners 45, “!aah-aH ,yawA eM ekaT oT gnimoC er’yehT” (which is — you guessed it! — the A-side backwards).

    yalP \”!aah-aH ,yawA eM ekaT oT gnimoC er\’yehT\” yb VIX noelopaN

    Great fun on jukeboxes.  Anyway, my early-’80’s Eric Records (the pre-Rhino Rhino) pressing of ” They’re Coming…” is backed with a later Samuels composition, “Photogenic Schizophrenic You.”  Slightly more melodic and ballad-like than the A-side, “Photo-Schizo” once again employs the device of the narrator blaming the cause of his mental illness on that of another, this time a gorgeous, but of course completely multiplexed, blonde (a stone from which modern gag writers still manage to wring blood).

    Play \”Photogenic, Schizophrenic You\” by Napoleon XIV

    “They’re Coming…” shot to #3 on the Billboard singles chart before insensitivity protests from advocacy groups wiped out the airplay entirely.  Nonplussed, Samuels went on to record two whole albums of nuthouse-inspired novelty tracks for Warners.  These days, like a modern Broadway Danny Rose, he runs the successful Philly-based Jerry Samuels Talent Agency, booking  juggling clowns and one-man-bands into homes for the physically and mentally challenged.  Viva Napoleon!

    NEXT WEEK: I’m not a sailor, I’m the captain.

  • First Look: Eminem’s “We Need You”

    eminem

    Honestly, Marshall? No, we don’t. Not anymore, anyway.

    Mr. Mathers has been sliding down the slippery slope of suck ever since peaking with “The Marshall Mathers LP”, which celebrates its’ 9th birthday in a month or so. Not to say Eminem has lost his gift of gab-he’s just been at a loss for interesting subject matter. The more of a star he became, the less righteous rage he could muster up. This is why his last studio album, “Encore” (which is nearly five years old now), struggled to stay afloat. For every righteously indignant masterpiece like “Mosh”, there were twice as many pee and poo jokes-things that might have been appropriate for Em’s daughter Hailie, but not for the hip-hop fans who’d anointed Slim Shady one of the best emcees of all time.

    Those of you that thought a few years off might recharge Eminem’s creative batteries? Sorry, y’all. “We Need You” finds Eminem right where we left him. His flow is still ridiculous, but who told him to keep rhyming in that idiotic Triumph the Insult Comic Dog voice? Who told him that people still care about Jessica Simpson? (surely, he must read Billboard). Just like the first singles from each of his past three LPs (I say that since we don’t know where “Crack a Bottle” will end up), Eminem has gone ultra-pop and has resorted to cheap jokes to grab a hit, and the sad thing is, he still has a ton of fans who will eat this shit up. It’s sad.

    You can check out this piece of hot garbage here on MTV.com.